2005 Foot-in-Mouth Awards

[H1Man]

2005 Foot-in-Mouth Awards

Tech execs say the darndest things. And so do shuffling presidents, and disgraced scientists, and Wikipedia fakers. It's time to relive 2005's biggest spoken gaffes.

"Screw the nano."
-- Motorola CEO Ed Zander

Cell-phone makers hoping to break into the music business got little traction in 2005 in the face of Apple Computer's iPod dynasty. The shortcoming was made all the more glaring for Motorola, when its Rokr iTunes phone debuted alongside Apple's newest entry, the iPod nano. (Motorola later issued a press release saying Zander's statement was a "joke.")

"I'm going to f***ing bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to f***ing kill Google."
-- Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, in statements attributed to him in court documents by former Microsoft engineer and recent Google hire Mark Lucovsky

The accusations flew fast and furiously in a high-stakes court battle between Microsoft and Google over alleged employee poaching. Drama aside, the case highlighted a tectonic power shift in the technology industry brought on by post-IPO Google.

"Walk this way, talk this wa-ay."
-- Intel chairman Craig Barrett

The most embarrassing executive antics of the year came early in 2005, as a tone-deaf, stiff white guy stepped up to the stage at the Consumer Electronics Show and joined Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler in a duet. Silicon.com has the video.

"Most people don't even know what a rootkit is, so why should they care about it?"
-- Thomas Hesse, president of Sony BMG's global digital business division

The music giant responds in an NPR interview to complaints that anti-copying technology on some of its CDs creates serious security vulnerabilities in computers.

"You're obviously from France."
-- Intel CEO Paul Ottelini

This zinger deflects criticism when a reporter with an accent asks why Intel is so far behind Advanced Micro Devices on a dual-core server chip. After the laughter subsides, AMD continues to assault Intel's leadership position.

"All research up until now has been conducted in strict observance of the government-set guidelines."
-- Korean stem-cell researcher Hwang Woo-suk

The cloning pioneer initially denies accusations that he broke ethical guidelines in conducting stem-cell research, but eventually admits he lied to protect co-workers. Later, he withdraws a groundbreaking research paper amid accusations of falsified data.

"I know what I don't know, and to this day I don't know technology and I don't know accounting and finance."
-- Bernie Ebbers, ex-CEO of WorldCom

At his $11 billion telco fraud trial, Ebbers tries to pin the debacle on ex-WorldCom CFO and state's witness Scott Sullivan. The jury is not convinced, and Ebbers is convicted of conspiracy, securities fraud and false regulatory filings on all counts. An appeal is pending.

"Lightweight, and crank it on, and you shuffle the shuffle."
-- President Bush

Brit Hume interviews the president about his iPod on Fox News, as recorded in a hilarious transcript published by The Washington Post.

"It was done as a joke that went horribly, horribly wrong."
-- Fake Wikipedia poster Brian Chase

A false post linking journalist John Seigenthaler Sr. with the Kennedy assassinations spilled over into public debate over the merits and failings of Wikipedia, a publicly maintained database of encyclopedia listings open to all comers. The controversy ends with an anticlimactic apology, but raises tough questions about the reliability of a new brand of participatory media, loosely dubbed "Web 2.0."

"Mr. Negroponte has called it a $100 laptop -- I think a more realistic title should be 'the $100 gadget.'"
-- Intel chairman Craig Barrett

At a press conference in Sri Lanka, the head of the world's biggest chipmaker disses a plan by Nicholas Negroponte to give the world's poorest children affordable computers.

"(Telecoms) and the cable companies have made an investment, and for a Google or Yahoo or Vonage or anybody to expect to use these pipes (for) free is nuts!"
-- SBC Communications CEO Ed Whitacre

Intimations of a "two-tiered" internet emerge in this Q&A with Business Week. The frustrations come out near the end of a year that saw the telecom industry begin to shake off bankruptcies and fraud only to confront an inescapable paradigm shift in the shape of broadband.

[Unibomber]

"So many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway. So this is working very well for them. What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is that they all want to stay in Texas."
--Barbara Bush, former first lady, on the Katrina Victims holed up in the Astrodome

[H1Man]

"I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work."
--Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress, Feb. 16, 2005

"I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?"
--President Bush, in a note to to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a U.N. Security Council meeting, September 14, 2005

"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that."
--President Bush, to a divorced mother of three in Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

"Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?"
--House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-TX), to three young hurricane evacuees from New Orleans at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 9, 2005

"Get some devastation in the back."
--Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, to a staff photographer as he posed for a photo op while visiting tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka, Jan. 6, 2005

"Until your daddy learns that it's not 'fun' to kill, keep your doggies and kitties away from him. He's so hooked on killing defenseless animals that they could be next!"
-- From a PETA booklet called "Your Daddy Kills Animals," which was designed to be handed out to children

"Do our government's poorly paid contract killers deserve our "support" for blindly following orders?"
-- Ted Rall shows his "support" for the troops

"George W. Bush is evil. He is a terrorist. He is evil. He is arrogant. And he is out of control."
-- Julianne Malveaux

"You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden."
--Jon Stewart

[Unibomber]

Awesome, H1Man. Got any more Jon Stewart?

[H1Man]

Jon Stewart: "Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for — the official halfway point of the Bush presidency."
President Bush: "I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear..."
Stewart: "At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore"

"I had no idea that if you wanted a show canceled, all you had to do was say it out loud."
--Jon Stewart, on CNN's decision to cancel of "Crossfire," three months after his brutal exchange with host Tucker Carlson.

"This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power."
--Jon Stewart

"Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people."
--Jon Stewart

"Hurricane Katrina is George Bush’s Monica Lewinsky. One difference, and I’ll say this, the only difference is this: That tens of thousands of people weren’t stranded in Monica Lewinsky’s vagina. That is the only difference."
— Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart during his opening remarks on The Daily Show, September 6.

"The day Dick Cheney is going to run for President, I’ll kill myself. All we need is one more liar."
— Hearst White House columnist Helen Thomas, as quoted in the "Under the Dome" column by Albert Eisele and Jeff Dufour in The Hill newspaper, July 28.

"According to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld the insurgency could last another 12 years....I think most Americans say, ‘Oh my goodness!’And they gasp because that seems like such an extended period of time for these very powerful, very tenacious insurgents to have control of the situation....It must be very frustrating at times to see things unraveling so."
— NBC’s Katie Couric to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Today, June 28.

"The President is a moron! I’m saying it. I don’t care. He’s an idiot. Cheney is evil. I’m sick of, impeach them, get them out! I hate them! I hate them. Get them out. They got to go!...What is it going to take for you people? Get Bush out! Impeach. Out! Out! Out!"
— Actress/comedienne Kathy Griffin on Comedy Central’s Weekends at the DL, September 10.

"Most Republicans who are registered Republicans are decent, honest good people who you have a difference of opinion with. The leadership of the Republican Party are a bunch of sociopathic maniacs who have their lips super-glued to the ass of the conservative right."
— Actor Alec Baldwin during an appearance on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, April 1.

"Do I need to be concerned that I’m going to go live with a church family, are they going to proselytize me, are they going to say, ‘You better come to church with me or else, I’m, you know, you’re not going to get your breakfast this morning’?"
— Co-host Harry Smith asking author/pastor Rick Warren about church families taking in those displaced by Hurricane Katrina, on CBS’s Early Show, September 6.

"Brilliant....Skilled and surprisingly self-destructive.... Despite the scandals and investigations, Bill Clinton was an incredibly popular President who connected with the American people....Under Clinton the economy boomed — deficits turned into surplus — and more than 22 million jobs were created. Along with the character flaws and the subpoenas came peace and prosperity."
— Matt Lauer assessing Bill Clinton during the June 5 Discovery Channel special, "Greatest American."

"We were able to flood the zone immediately."
CNN President Jonathan Klein describing tsunami coverage, Jan 5.

"I think (the NBA's dress code is) a racist statement because a lot of the guys who are wearing chains are my age and are black. I wore all my jewelry today to let it be known that I'm upset with it."
-- Indiana Pacers Guard Stephen Jackson

"I hate the Republicans and everything they stand for..."
-- Howard Dean

"We want our Border Patrol agents chasing, you know, crooks and thieves and drug-runners and terrorists, not good-hearted people who are coming here to work. And therefore, it makes sense to allow the good-hearted people who are coming here to do jobs that Americans won't do a legal way to do so. And providing that legal avenue, it takes the pressure off the border."
-- George Bush explains that we don't want the Border Patrol to actually stop illegal aliens

"I heard from a very reliable source who saw a 25 foot deep crater under the levee breach. It may have been blown up to destroy the black part of town and keep the white part dry."
-- Louis Farrakhan speculates that New Orleans was deliberately flooded

"[My new dog] Gudrun is named after the infamous Gudrun Ensslin who was the female leader of the Baader-Meinhof Gang, an art terrorist group from the 70s. Terrorism was different then. It had a chicness to it, which made it seem less like a dangerous menace and more like fashion."
-- Margaret Cho

"Absolutely (I had sex with animals). I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."
-- Anti-abortion activist Neal Horsley tells people way more than they wanted to know about his teenage years

"In contrast to New Orleans, there was only minimal looting after the horrendous 1995 earthquake in Kobe, Japan because, when you get down to it, Japanese aren't blacks."
-- Steve Sailer

"(The) idea that we're going to win the war in Iraq is an idea which is just plain wrong."
-- Howard Dean

"George Bush doesn't care about black people...They're giving the Army permission to go down and shoot us."
-- Kayne West on the rescue efforts in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina

"I was driving past the Pentagon when that plane hit. I had friends on that plane; this is deadly serious to me. They want to kill me and my children if they can. But if they just kill me and not my children, they want my children to be comforted -- that while they didn't protect me because they cut my taxes, my children won't have to pay any money on the money they inherit. That is bulls*** national defense, and we should say that."
-- Ex-Clinton Aide Paul Begala explains that Republicans want to kill him.

"Do our government's poorly paid contract killers deserve our "support" for blindly following orders?"
-- Ted Rall shows his "support" for the troops

If I had my way, I would see Katherine Harris and Ken Blackwell strapped down to electric chairs and lit up like Christmas trees. The better to light the way for American Democracy and American Freedom!"
-- Democratic Talk Radio's Stephen Crockett

"Real freedom will come when [U.S.] soldiers in Iraq turn their guns on their superiors."
-- Warren County Community College adjunct English professor, John Daly

"He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton."
–Bill Maher, on President Bush

"Ted is understandably bitter having lost his ratings, his network and now his mind -- we wish him well."
--A Fox spokesperson, after CNN founder Ted Turner criticized the Fox network as a "propaganda voice" of the Bush administration and compared Fox News Channel's popularity to Adolf Hitler's rise to power in Germany before World War II

"You've performed so poor, I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'"
–Bill Maher, on President Bush

[Unibomber]

LMFAO!!!

[Black Dynamite]

"Most Republicans who are registered Republicans are decent, honest good people who you have a difference of opinion with. The leadership of the Republican Party are a bunch of sociopathic maniacs who have their lips super-glued to the ass of the conservative right."
— Actor Alec Baldwin during an appearance on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, April 1.

:laughing6: :thumbup:

[Big Sexy Mike Naz]

Funny shit!

[WTFchris]

"You've performed so poor, I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'"
–Bill Maher, on President Bush

I like this one.

[Glenn]

Maher rules