I know you've got 'em. I'm gonna start this thread off with one that, even in a smallish town like Omaha, Nebrasky, still may boggle the mind.
I've got a new job as a night stocker at Hy Vee Grocery Store on 156th and Maple sts in Fashionable West O. So, last night I get off at 3:00 A.M. and head south on 156th toward Blondo Street, which I live just off of. I go to make a left turn at a blinking yellow, but it's the light I should skip because it turns into a subdivision. So I swoop out of the turning lane back onto 156th St and continue south.
Well, I get stopped at the red light at 156 and Blondo and WHOOP, there's a car behind me--and a quick glance into my rear-view mirror reveals that yes, YES--it's a fucking cop.
Light turns green, I turn, he turns, and BLAMMO lights on, pull over, dig license, registration and insurance oot to present to him. Of course he thinks I'm trashed (who wouldn't? Who's writing the fucking story, asshole?), and he axes me, "Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" And I'm all, "Well, because you want me to kill you HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" NO THAT DID NOT HAPPEN.
I said (the troof): "Uh, because I didn't use my turn signal at the light?" And he says, "No. Because you were driving eratically. Are you all right to drive?" So I assured him that I was, and that I had just gotten off work and wasn't used to the hours or driving in the "good" parts of town (usually one of the corners where whores hang out is where I turn to get home. No whores--OOPS! I didn't tell him that).
So I give him my license and shit and he stares at it for an extra couple seconds, looks up, almost into the sky, and axes me, "Mr Goshboots, is your address really [redacted]?" "Uh, yes. I've been there for four years." He again kind of stares off wistfully, and starts kind of stuttering about the street and house, and I stammer back, "It's uh, the blue one" and he says, "Uh, yeah...(Here comes the kicker, and it needs it's own line)
"I grew up in that house"
HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I thought. I'm not getting a ticket tonight!
I looked at his name tag, and sure enough it was [redacted]--and I said, "ZOMG--is your mother's name Barbara? We still get mail for her!"
So he took my shit back to his car, came back, handed it to me, then extended his hand and introduced himself as [redacted]. We shook hands, he told me to say "Hi" to some of the old farts who still live in the hood, and off I went!
As the saying goes: WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS?
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