Bill Simmons Sucks Donkey Balls

[Wilfredo Ledezma]

Not sure it's 'threadworthy' but I want you guys to read this exerpt from his Mailbag today. Now I like Bill Simmons, I bought his first book, his articles are great when they're not soley about Boston sports teams, but I've noticed this nasty trend he's had when he talks about the NBA (his "specialty") and he's NEVER been able to put his early 90's bias-dislike of the Pistons to the side...Even to this day...

So basically he goes on a two paragraph tangent about the Pistons, and discredits all they've done since '04...

Q: Just finished watching Charles Barkley on a CNN interview. Can there ever be another Charles Barkley, someone who can say absolutely anything on the air, no matter how controversial, and not get crucified by the media and the public?
-- Jai-Bo, Calgary



SG: You just described the Howard Stern Zone. It's every creative person's dream to get there. And really, only seven people are there: Stern, Barkley, Chris Rock, Larry David, Bill Maher, Trey Parker and Matt Stone. That's the entire list. My concern with Barkley is that he has been out of the NBA too long and seems bored working on an NBA studio show. I'd hate to see him turn into Howard Cosell during his last few ABC years when he started to act like sports was beneath him and took it out on his viewers. Chuck, we love you. You're the most charismatic NBA personality active or retired. You belong on TV. It's your current destiny. You were blessed with the ideal partners and a network that will let you say whatever you want. Please break a sweat. Teach us about the league. Come up with angles that only you can come up with. Stop falling back on the same five points that you've been regurgitating for the last few years and start looking at the league from the perspective of 2009 instead of 2003.



For instance, Jason Kidd isn't Jason Kidd anymore -- you didn't realize it last February and don't realize it now because you only remember when you played with him and he was good and everyone wanted to play with him. Those days are over. And Allen Iverson isn't the greatest fit for the Pistons since he plays the exact same position as Rip Hamilton, he couldn't defend me at this point, and we just spent the last 12 years proving you can't win anything if Iverson's your point guard. At crunch time, they're screwed because they'll have to play Rip and Iverson at the same time and that's a disaster on a number of levels. That move was a straight salary dump by Dumars -- he gave up on the 2009 season and threw his fans off the scent by bringing in Iverson, period, end of story. But you liked the trade and compared it to the Dodgers getting Manny Ramirez even though Iverson peaked a few years ago. The point is, you would have nailed this stuff a few years ago, and lately, you've been missing it. I shouldn't know more about the NBA in 2009 than you, but I feel like I do at this point. So, kick my basketball butt and go back to being you. Prove me wrong. We miss learning about the league from you.



Random tangent since we're here: I want to come back in my next life as Joe Dumars. He should have broken up the Pistons after they folded in the 2007 East finals against the Cavs, but instead, he waited an extra 16 months, overpaid Chauncey Billups, then killed this season's team by getting out of the Billups contract by dumping his salary for Iverson's expiring contract, only nobody in Detroit caught on because, "hey, we got Allen Iverson!!!!!" Meanwhile, he has the media convinced Rodney Stuckey is headed for the Hall of Fame, and they have a chance to land LeBron in 2010. Really? LeBron is going to drop a nuclear bomb on Cleveland by ditching it for a division rival? That's happening? Last time I checked, free agents were fleeing Detroit (Allan Houston, Grant Hill, Ben Wallace) and not signing there. And if you really think Detroit is landing a marquee guy in 2010 when big markets such as New York and L.A. and warm-weather cities such as Miami, Phoenix and Orlando will all be throwing money around -- not to mention deep-pocketed Portland, which will have assembled a contender at that point and remains the most logical destination for LeBron if he only cares about winning titles and nothing else (and also, Nike is right there) -- then you're obviously in denial. Chris Bosh loves Toronto. He's not leaving. Dwyane Wade isn't leaving South Beach so he can wear a parka and live in Michigan. And LeBron wants to be the next Jordan and/or the most famous athlete on the planet; these things aren't happening in Detroit just because Worldwide Wes likes the Pistons. Come on.

Here's what that cap space will get Dumars: Maybe a discount superstar like Dirk Nowitzki (who's about three months away from turning into the 1991 Tom Chambers) or a non-superstar free agent like Carlos Boozer. That's about it. As for the Pistons fans, Dumars might be better than many GMs in the league, but remember, he's the same guy who botched the Darko pick, hired Flip Saunders, overpaid Nazr Mohammed, shoved Carlos Delfino down your throats, pushed out Larry Brown and badly misjudged Mehmet Okur. He's not a genius. He's a solid GM who made some good moves and some bad ones, and he definitely held onto the 2004 nucleus for about 18 months too long. It's OK to lightly question the direction of this team without feeling like an ingrate. Really, it is. You are within your rights. The five-year grace period is almost up

All I have to say is, if what the Pistons did was so easy and unspectacular, then how come no other team in this modern ERA (2000-present; other than the Spurs & the Kobe/Shaq Lakers) has had the same sort of success?? It's not like the East has been so great in recent years, that we should've blown this thing up after our '64 win season in '06. How many rings does LeBron have??? Less than Darko, I know that much.

How did the Celtics become relavant??? By having two max players and a 3rd banana (Ray), all of whom we're past their prime, play and win a Title. So what can the Pistons do in 2010??? Sign 2 max players and 3rd banana (Rip) play to win a Title...

So 'Sports Guy', How many Titles have Phoenix, Orlando, Cleveland, Dallas, Houston, Denver, Utah, Philly, Boston, New Jersey, New York, Atlanta, New Orleans, Portland, Golden St and Chicago won combined since 2000???

Right, the same number as us.

I don't mind the typical Pistons negativty, because usually it comes at the expense of a poorly written Chris Sheridan article or derived from one of Hollinger's tounge and cheek formulas, but Simmons obviously went out of his way to criticize the Pistons, and I think most of it is unwarranted.

[Glenn]

I think halfway in between his comments and Kstat is the truth.

[Kstat]

Dumars is going to have the last laugh, and he won't have to wait until 2010.

[Atticus771]

That crap just leaves me pizzled (combo of pissed off and confused). I liked Simmons until last year's playoffs. He released a podcast conversation he had with his "buddy House," and it was basically the biggest Celtic circle jerk I've ever heard. I seem to remember Simmons saying, "Well, Detroit's just boring, and because I don't want to see them in the Finals, I think Boston's going to win."

How he gets this garbage about Joe Dumars is really beyond me. Yeah, Dumars, a guy who constantlyharps on winning and being in position to win, decided to tank a season after watching two games. Sounds like a Danny Ainge move, to me, if that was really the intention. Clearly, the move was about cap space to some extent, but it was also about giving the team a different look and potentially a better chance at a championship.

Iverson is past his prime, yeah, but he has more game than Chauncey, and therefore gives us a better chance to win. And sure, we've proven over the last 12 years that no team with Iverson could win a title. Nevermind that AI has never had a team like this. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, knows what AI is capable of with a good team. With Tay, Rip, Rasheed, Stuckey, and Dice, he has a good team this time(yes, I'm assuming Dice is coming back).

And goodness, didn't people say the same about KG? Of course. Many people thought that a KG-led team couldn't win it all. Why? Because it had never happened before. Of all people, Simmons should see that history doesn't provide a clear indicator of what's to come. But he's just a Boston slappy through and through, so maybe we should give him some credit... no, I take that back.

Simmons = TOOL

[Atticus771]

Oh, and LeBron to Portland?

LOL@Simmons

[Atticus771]

Okay, I guess I'm still not done with this moron -

1. who botched the Darko pick
Fair enough. 1 point Simmons.
2. hired Flip Saunders
Who else was available at the time? How many games did Flip's teams win? How many years in the ECF? -1 for Simmons.
3. overpaid Nazr Mohammed
Draw. Even the "SportsGuy" should know that every team needs a center. Also, Joe dumped Nazr, and that worked out well for us.
4. shoved Carlos Delfino down your throats
Really?
5. pushed out Larry Brown
LB wanted out, you moron. Or were you still crying about your sucky Celtics when LB was openly flirting with Cleveland? -1 million points.
6. and badly misjudged Mehmet Okur.
Again, really, Bill? Misjudged him when he stole him in the second round of the draft, or when he let him walk and opted to keep Rasheed Wallace, a superior player in every way imaginable?

Gosh, I want to burn this guy's house to the ground. I'm really sleep-deprived this week, and you don't mess with Atticus when he's sleep-deprived.

[MoTown]

That crap just leaves me pizzled (combo of pissed off and confused). I liked Simmons until last year's playoffs. He released a podcast conversation he had with his "buddy House," and it was basically the biggest Celtic circle jerk I've ever heard. I seem to remember Simmons saying, "Well, Detroit's just boring, and because I don't want to see them in the Finals, I think Boston's going to win."

How he gets this garbage about Joe Dumars is really beyond me. Yeah, Dumars, a guy who constantlyharps on winning and being in position to win, decided to tank a season after watching two games. Sounds like a Danny Ainge move, to me, if that was really the intention. Clearly, the move was about cap space to some extent, but it was also about giving the team a different look and potentially a better chance at a championship.

Iverson is past his prime, yeah, but he has more game than Chauncey, and therefore gives us a better chance to win. And sure, we've proven over the last 12 years that no team with Iverson could win a title. Nevermind that AI has never had a team like this. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, knows what AI is capable of with a good team. With Tay, Rip, Rasheed, Stuckey, and Dice, he has a good team this time(yes, I'm assuming Dice is coming back).

And goodness, didn't people say the same about KG? Of course. Many people thought that a KG-led team couldn't win it all. Why? Because it had never happened before. Of all people, Simmons should see that history doesn't provide a clear indicator of what's to come. But he's just a Boston slappy through and through, so maybe we should give him some credit... no, I take that back.

Simmons = TOOL

I would love to send this post to Simmons.

[MoTown]

Okay, I guess I'm still not done with this moron -

1. who botched the Darko pick
Fair enough. 1 point Simmons.
2. hired Flip Saunders
Who else was available at the time? How many games did Flip's teams win? How many years in the ECF? -1 for Simmons.
3. overpaid Nazr Mohammed
Draw. Even the "SportsGuy" should know that every team needs a center. Also, Joe dumped Nazr, and that worked out well for us.
4. shoved Carlos Delfino down your throats
Really?
5. pushed out Larry Brown
LB wanted out, you moron. Or were you still crying about your sucky Celtics when LB was openly flirting with Cleveland? -1 million points.
6. and badly misjudged Mehmet Okur.
Again, really, Bill? Misjudged him when he stole him in the second round of the draft, or when he let him walk and opted to keep Rasheed Wallace, a superior player in every way imaginable?

Gosh, I want to burn this guy's house to the ground. I'm really sleep-deprived this week, and you don't mess with Atticus when he's sleep-deprived.

This post too.

[geerussell]

Last time I checked, free agents were fleeing Detroit (Allan Houston, Grant Hill, Ben Wallace) and not signing there.

Houston and Hill? So the last time he checked was 7 years ago? Wallace getting a max offer constitutes "fleeing"? So retarded.

[Atticus771]

Someone should. It might be a bit too spiteful, though.