The Favorite Quotes thread

[Big Swami]

Can't get enough of this guy.

WORDS DEFINED:

Archbishop
- A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

Church
- A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to people who will never get there.

Clergyman
- A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

Conscience
- The inner voice which warns us that someone is looking.

Confidence
- The feeling that makes one believe a man, even when one knows that one would lie in his place.

Creator
- A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

Evil
- That which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.

Experience
- A series of failures. Every failure teaches a man something, to wit, that he will probably fail again.

Fine
- A bribe paid by a rich man to escape the lawful penalty of his crime.

Husband
- A No. 16 neck in a No. 15 1/2 collar.

Idealist
- One who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Immorality
- The morality of those who are having a better time.

Jealousy
- The theory that some other fellow has just as little taste.

Love
- The delusion that one woman differs from another.

Morality
- The theory that every human act must either be right or wrong, and that 99% of them are wrong.

Pastor
- One employed by the wicked to prove to them by his example that virtue doesn't pay.

Platitude
- An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone,and (b) that is not true.

Psychology
- The theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow, and is certainly a damned fool.

Sunday
- A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell.

Sunday School
- A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

[Glenn]

"They say a man should always dress for the job he wants, so why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?

It's all because some hack-er stole my identity, now I'm stuck here every evening serving chowder and iced tea."

[Uncle Mxy]

"I love it when a plan comes together."
-Hannibal

[Glenn]

"Here I sit and write on the walls.

Roll my shit into little balls.

Whomever reads these words of wit, eats those little balls of shit."

-Traditional Men's Room Prose

[Naz]

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" -Thomas Alva Edison
Reply With Quote

[b-diddy]

luck is what happens when opportunity meets preperation- robert evans

[Tahoe]

To be young and not liberal means you have no heart. To be old and not Conservative means you have no brain.

[Big Swami]

To be young and not liberal means you have no heart. To be old and not Conservative means you have no brain.

"Ignorant rightists have always viewed leftists as cowards, and ignorant leftists have always viewed rightists as villains, and it seems unlikely in the next fifty years that this should change."

[Uncle Mxy]

http://www.winstonchurchill.org/i4a/...cfm?pageid=112

[Glenn]

Basically, the fans of every team become convinced at some point that I hate their team and am hopelessly biased against them, usually because I say something that doesn't agree with their own (likely slanted) worldview.

In my sig for now, archived here for later.