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Thread: New regular feature: WTFDetroit's Evil Pistons Mailbag

  1. #71
    Big Swami's Avatar
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    I could maybe do a few more, but it takes so much time and anger. Maybe I can do a "best of" every now and then.

  2. #72
    CLEVELAND'S FINEST Zekyl's Avatar
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    It would be much appreciated.
    _

  3. #73
    Big Swami's Avatar
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    Part 1

    MONDAY, May 4, 2009
    Editor’s note: This season has been a rough one. Evil Keith Langlois has been diagnosed with chronic Kool-aid intoxication, so he is answering your letters from his medical leave at the Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Dialysis Centre. If he does not get to your letter right away, please be patient.

    ________________________________________
    Barry (Lansing, Mich.): Could the Pistons pull off a sign-and-trade with Wallace, Hamilton and Amir going to either Phoenix for Stoudemire or Toronto for Bosh? Then sign Ben Gordon and Boozer? Even if we only get Bosh or Stoudemire for one year, wouldn’t that only free up money the following year if they do not re-sign?

    Evil Keith: You better fucking hope so, Larry. There’s shit for free agents right now and this team needs talent like Kwame Brown needs a Rahmani Hand Institute. The good news is that Bill Davidson, God rest his soul, was a lot like your great grandpa who ate nothing but reconstituted potatoes for 30 years, and then when he passed on, you found $70 million stuffed in an old mattress. The bad news is that reconstituted potatoes taste like Allen Iverson’s discarded jock.
    ________________________________________
    Steven (West Bloomfield, Mich.): It bothers me when people say they don’t want to see our core players go. I love the guys as much as anyone, but I’m trying to remain non-nostalgic, as I hope Joe will. Tayshaun is my favorite NBA player, but if he’s playing somewhere else next year I’ll just have another team to follow. Also, if Curry continues to struggle, I hope Joe won’t hesitate to make a move. Yes, he had a rough season, but once Iverson was out of the picture it was hard to justify how we closed the season.

    Evil Keith: You raise two points and I can answer them the same way: “wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which fills up first.” You got a lot to look at right now. I may be a little lightheaded at the moment, so I’m not in the mood for a circle jerk – I gotta be honest and admit that Joe be fucking up lately. And he doesn’t like to admit that he fucked up. But then none of this is as critical as your casual mention that your favorite player is Tayshaun Prince. Esteban. Dude. That’s like saying Foo Fighters are your favorite band.
    ________________________________________
    Pawel (Las Vegas, N.M.): Just look at what Marcin Gortat did when Dwight Howard was suspended. Detroit should not even hesitate and offer this guy a contract.

    Evil Keith: Jesus Christ, another foreigner wanting to talk to me about foreigners. I’ll tell you what, Guy With Foreign Name: you wrangle up a printing press and come up with your own currency that is more valuable than the Euro, and see if the Budapest Hypotheticals can interest Other Guy With Foreign Name in a handful of it. I don’t think Joe’s gonna try and stop you. 7-footers in Detroit seem to be going down like drummers in Spinal Tap these days.
    ________________________________________
    Jon (Detroit): Are the Pistons getting rid of The Palace Prince? Are they going to re-sign Rasheed?

    Evil Keith: What the fuck do you want to do Jon? Keep a mediocre, overpaid player around because he’s got a nickname you think is neat (but which is actually very very gay, FYI)? You want to keep a C with a bad attitude, who refuses to rebound or post, flush with cash out of your pocket? Hey man, I know the economy is rocking like a hurricane right now so Feel Fucking Free.
    ________________________________________
    Rey (Laguna Hills, Calif.): What team is AI going to be with next season?

    Evil Keith: Who gives a shit, Rey? AI is not exciting. He doesn’t make his teams exciting. His game has fallen quite a bit off from being exciting. Even his bullshit drama isn’t exciting, and this from someone who DVRs The Biggest Loser.
    ________________________________________
    Simon (Miami): With all the criticism coming from the media and fans, I hope Joe D knows how appreciated he is by some Pistons fans. I’ve ridden the rollercoaster with the Pistons through the late ’80s, the teal days and up until today and look forward to the future with whatever Joe D can engineer. If there’s a free agent out there that symbolizes the Pistons’ philosophy to a T, it’s David Lee.

    Evil Keith: Thanks for the obligatory Joe Dumars tongue bath, Simon. What are you, David Lee’s agent? Or are you just one of these knobs who keeps writing me and asking me why there aren’t more white basketball players? Get the fuck out of here.
    ________________________________________
    Jimmy (Denver): Do you think getting Chris Bosh but losing Prince and Jason Maxiell would be good?

    Evil Keith: Seriously, Jimbo? Losing Prince and Maxiell is good even if you get a bag of Bates burgers in return. Maxiell is overpaid and smells like cheese. Prince could be folded into a suitcase and flown by kite to Toronto for all I care.
    ________________________________________
    David (Lansing, Mich.): The No. 1 player to go after, no doubt, is Ben Gordon. I do not care how we do it – Ben Gordon can score and play with anyone in the NBA. Boozer would be a nice addition as well.

    Evil Keith: David, I just want someone who can land a fucking easy bucket. If Gordon can do it, which it looks like he can, fine. Boozer can come along too but his eyebrows are not allowed on the RB1. He’ll have to check them with the luggage. But do you really think Ben Gordon is “the No. 1 player to go after”? That’s like saying Foo Fighters are… what? I used that one already?
    ________________________________________
    David (Flushing, Mich.): If the Pistons were to trade for Bosh this off-season, would they be able to sign him to a contract extension in order to keep him past the 2009-10 season?

    Evil Keith: Whoa, 2nd David. Dial that shit back. People, 2nd David here is the kind of guy who asks a girl out like this: “Gee you’re swell, Jenny. I sure would like to take you out for a soda on Friday. All of this is contingent upon at least a handjob later, of course.”
    ________________________________________
    Nate (Neptune City, N.J.): It would be easier to go after Paul Millsap if Carlos Boozer stays in Utah. So who would you rather see in Pistons blue? Boozer or Millsap?

    Evil Keith: Here’s what I think, Nate: all things considered, if one of those guys is older than the other he’ll probably end up in Detroit, where he’ll suddenly stop caring about anything and just hang out behind the arc while complaining about his aches and pains. And I will have to write to you cunts about how this is actually a great move for the Pistons. I really hate that you can’t drink while you’re on dialysis.
    ________________________________________
    Eric (Greensboro, N.C.): This season for Michael Curry was similar to what Doc Rivers went through with the Celtics a few years back. Rivers was on the hot seat, then they got two key players and became world champions. What do you think?

    Evil Keith: Oh yeah. Michael Curry is exactly like Doc Rivers. The only difference is that fuck you Eric.
    ________________________________________
    Emmanuel (Montgomery, Ala.): What is Allen Iverson’s future with the Pistons? I don’t want him messing up the No. 1 jersey once worn by Mr. Big Shot.

    Evil Keith: Are you dense, Manny? Allen’s done here. He’s packing up his Doctor Iverson’s Magical Midget Tincture And Dropsy Tonic and riding his donkey down the dusty trail to the next unsuspecting customer.
    ________________________________________
    Dave (Kingston, Mich.): Is there anyone in the top five of the draft Joe D covets? Would he be willing to offer Rip, Tayshaun or Maxiell to move up the draft board?

    Evil Keith: A big man or someone who can actually land a contested shot, or, if some miracle occurs, both. It’s not rocket science, Dave.
    ________________________________________
    Fran (Southfield, Mich.): In his recent press conference, Joe Dumars confirmed what I and other fans had suspected – Rodney Stuckey is not a point guard but a combo guard. In light of his confirmation, is Rip or Arron going to be expendable and will a point guard be on the “to do” list?

    Evil Keith: I have no idea where you’re getting that, Fran. Joe didn’t say that shit, or anything close to it. Nothing to see here. Move along. And by that I mean, “He should have, but he didn’t.”
    ________________________________________
    Ardy (Zeeland, Mich.): I’m very intrigued with Marvin Williams of Atlanta. I know he is out right now, but he’s only 22, a good defender and is very efficient offensively. Is it possible Atlanta will not want to give him something long-term because of some of their other contracts and would be willing to do a sign-and-trade for him with Prince and Amir?

    Evil Keith: Come on, Ardy. Even if the Pistons could land Marvin Williams somehow, Atlanta ain’t buying our broken-ass used junk. They’re not that stupid. (They’re still pretty stupid though.)
    ________________________________________
    Armando (Alpena, Mich.): Would Joe D be willing to part with Stuckey if it meant getting a high-impact player like Chris Bosh or Amare Stoudemire?

    Evil Keith: Meh, probably not, Armando. Joe Dumars really likes Rodney Stuckey. He’s young, he’s quick, he’s oversized, and he’s got a lot of promise. Oh, and he’s practically free. Did I mention how incredibly Rodney Stuckey is getting ripped off right now? Starting point guard on an NBA team, being paid like a Sandwich Artist? Joe likey.

  4. #74
    DADZIG's Avatar
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    Find a new slant.

  5. #75
    Solid Gold.

  6. #76
    That was awesome!
    Rise like Lions after slumber,
    In unvanquishable number -
    Shake your chains to earth like dew
    Which in sleep had fallen on you -
    Ye are many - they are few.

  7. #77
    Big Swami's Avatar
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    Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

    Hiroshi (Okinawa, Japan): Do you think we’ll use the 15th pick on a third point guard? I hope Joe will draft James Johnson, who is very versatile. If not, B.J. Mullens.

    Evil Keith: You need to get over this “who’s the next Will Bynum” bullshit, Hiroshi. At 15, maybe you get fuck all. I’d also like to remind you that guards are the least of the Pistons’ problems. Have you taken a look at the possible bigs for next season? It’s gonna be Battlefield Earth meets Ishtar out there. If McDyess sticks around, maybe you get a John Malkovich movie in there somewhere. But you know Joe is going to find some way to draft a shooting guard anyway, and I’m gonna have to try to get you guys pumped about it. Kill me with a rake.
    ________________________________________
    Bryan (Ecorse, Mich.): Does the rebuilding job Joe has on his hands mean a few years of losing before a direction is found?

    Evil Keith: Tch tch tch Bryan. We don’t use the R-word around here. Joe is like Big Brother dude, he’s mastered Newspeak. If he were in charge of managing the Hudsons building downtown, he would have stared straight into the camera while the dynamite was going off, and told you straight to your face that it was “a calculated risk to improve retail sales.” Up is down. Freedom is slavery.
    ________________________________________
    Kevin (Huntsville, Ala.): I know Stuckey’s going to keep getting smarter at the point in terms of setting up teammates and knowing when to push the ball, but I think he needs to spend a good portion of the summer developing a solid 3-point shot.

    Evil Keith: God dammit, Kevin. Of all the things that Stuckey needs to work on in his automobile, the 3-point shot is the fancy rims. You get him working on his long bomb and the next thing you know, he’s getting arrested with weed, making game guarantees, and going on TV asking his ex-girlfriend to bring his kids back. Hey everyone, guess what? Kevin in Alabama hasn’t had enough of that shit yet!
    ________________________________________
    Kevin (Austin, Texas): Is Ben Gordon really 6-foot-3 or more like 5-foot-10?

    Evil Keith: Man, what the fuck are you asking me this shit for? This is gay. This is some TMZ shit. “What’s Julia Roberts really like in person?” I have no fucking idea. You got a TV just like the rest of us. If you’re that curious, you can do the math, Aristarchus. On a side note, what’s with the hillbillies named Kevin today?
    ________________________________________
    Derek (Southfield, Mich.): A lot of people seem pretty down on Kwame, but he seems very reliable on D and fair on offense. Do you think his salary is reasonable for what he offers? I don’t think he’ll make or break the team, but it certainly doesn’t seem like we’d be better off without him.

    Evil Keith: Kwame is basically a toddler. At this point, anything coming out of Kwame that isn’t a turnover or a turd is like a Christmas present. If he doesn’t find some way to spill juice on the court accidentally somehow, we just want to give him a big hug. Our expectations are so low – partially courtesy of yours truly – that everyone has forgotten the big boy contract he’s lugging around. None of this is important, though. I need to know about your name. Why is Derek a name that’s only given to British guys and black guys?
    ________________________________________
    Rick (Lansing, Mich.): One good thing that might come from the Billups trade, aside from the cap space, is that teams might not place higher value on the other Pistons’ core guys like Rip and Tayhsaun. Where they might have once viewed them as “system” guys, the success of Billups in Denver might make teams think acquiring Rip or Tay can bring that same winning attitude to their franchise.

    Evil Keith: That’s easily the dumbest shit I’ve heard in maybe weeks. Great fucking theory Professor Darwin, except for the fact that Chauncey Billups is fucking the cheerleaders and Rip and Tayshaun got beat up by the fat girls in the Flag Corps. I'm pretty sure that the entire school knows that Chauncey was the cool one at this point.
    ________________________________________
    Darren (Chicago): It looks like Sheed has been scapegoated by fans and media. I think this is wrong. We asked an older big man to carry the load when we went to small ball. He also had injuries, which limited his effectiveness. Do you think he will be back? Some in the Cleveland media are reporting he asked for a buyout so he could join the Cavs. I doubt the validity of this.

    Evil Keith: Darren, of course I have to sit here and tell you no, that never happened, don’t believe what you hear, but that shit is probably true. And it’s dumb as fuck, too. Cleveland has gotta be like “You want out of Detroit because your team sucks, but your team sucks partially because of you being old and shitty now.” Anyway, quit sticking up for Rasheed Wallace. The new thing is hating Rasheed Wallace. Get on board.
    ________________________________________
    Roy (North Star, Mich.): I read in True Blue Pistons where you alluded to Tayshaun Prince possibly being traded, possibly because of his lack of 3-point shooting. Of any of the core group, he would be the last I would trade.

    Evil Keith: Roy Roy Roy! Tayshaun Prince has more than a lack of 3-point shooting. He’s got a lack of any kind of shooting. He probably couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with an elephant gun. Listen – the guy who gets stabbed all the time is not the guy you want carrying around a sniper rifle. His problem isn’t “not hitting the three,” his problem is “getting pwned by n00bs.”
    ________________________________________
    Malik (Richmond, Va.): When I saw Eric Maynor play in the tournament, I knew he would be perfect for the Pistons. Do you think we should draft him?

    Evil Keith: Malik, guys like you disgust me. You’re the kind of sloppy bitch who tells his buddy he should be a rock star, based on a hazy drunken recollection of acoustic guitar Guns & Roses sing-alongs around the campfire. Just because a guy is a good college player doesn’t mean shit. Just because a guy is a good college player doesn’t mean shit. I said it twice because this is important and I really care about you. Try and absorb it.
    ________________________________________
    Andrew (Albany, N.Y.): Do you think Walter Sharpe could be developed over the summer into a solid backup small forward? I’m not sure what his natural position is, but it seems to me he has the skills and athleticism for small forward.

    Evil Keith: What was that Andrew? Your question was so boring that I fell asleep briefly. Oh man, cheap Walter Sharpe narcolepsy jokes are the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you God.

  8. #78
    Fantastic shit, Swami. Absolutely fantastic.

    Quote Originally Posted by WTFchris
    MoTown is right.

  9. #79
    Quote Originally Posted by Big Swami
    Rick (Lansing, Mich.): One good thing that might come from the Billups trade, aside from the cap space, is that teams might not place higher value on the other Pistons’ core guys like Rip and Tayhsaun. Where they might have once viewed them as “system” guys, the success of Billups in Denver might make teams think acquiring Rip or Tay can bring that same winning attitude to their franchise.

    Evil Keith: That’s easily the dumbest shit I’ve heard in maybe weeks. Great fucking theory Professor Darwin, except for the fact that Chauncey Billups is fucking the cheerleaders and Rip and Tayshaun got beat up by the fat girls in the Flag Corps. I'm pretty sure that the entire school knows that Chauncey was the cool one at this point.
    That's fucking funny.

    I did actually lol

    Give Swami the front fucking page already
    Rise like Lions after slumber,
    In unvanquishable number -
    Shake your chains to earth like dew
    Which in sleep had fallen on you -
    Ye are many - they are few.

  10. #80
    Big Swami's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pharaoh
    Give Swami the front fucking page already
    I know, right? It's such a total injustice. Meh, I think I've done better.

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