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Thread: New regular feature: WTFDetroit's Evil Pistons Mailbag

  1. #51
    Glenn's Avatar
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    Sorry guys, I have a busy morning.

    Enjoy this for now and I'll get the proper posting done later today.

    Hope that is okay with you, Swam.

    Maybe we need some hot interns or something to handle these things?

    Thursday, January 3, 2008

    Matthew: I’ve read some sites that say the Pistons get Minnesota’s second-round pick this year and others that say they can defer it until next year. Could you clear this up?

    Evil Keith Langlois: God dammit Matthew, I've already explained this. But you didn't listen, did you? Thought you were too smart to listen to good old Keith? You think you're better than me, Matthew? I'll clear something up for you: your penis is exactly as small as you think it is. Oh, and it's definitely this year's pick. Thanks for writing, lets move on to the next sports fan with a severe head injury!


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    Harsh (Rochester): How will Flip Saunders and Joe Dumars ensure a stronger mind-set for the playoffs this year than the Pistons have had in the past few seasons?

    Evil Keith Langlois: How's this for Harsh...Joe Dumars can ensure a stronger mind-set for the playoffs by firing Flip Saunders and replacing him with a championship-level coach. Flip Saunders can ensure a stronger playoff mind-set by graciously accepting his pink slip and going away quietly, and maybe dropping off the recyclables on the way out to his car.


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    Tim: I’ve noticed that the Bulls could be shopping Ben Wallace. Is it reasonable to consider taking him back at a discount price?

    Evil Keith Langlois: Tim, here are three things wrong with this idea: first, there will be no taking Ben Wallace back, because he had to be a big bitch and run after the ultra-mega-huge dollars when he was already making mega-huge dollars; second, there will be no discounted price, because Ben Wallace has a ring and I guess that makes him feel like a big shot; third, it's just a stupid idea all around, and I'm guessing this is because your mom was a Cro-Magnon or something.


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    Christian (Grosse Pointe): I read on Yahoo! that Ben Wallace may soon be traded from the Bulls. Is there any chance the Pistons could get him? Maybe sending Flip Murray, Antonio McDyess and a second-round pick that we got in the Delfino deal would work for both Chicago and us. I know Ben wouldn't mind, but would Joe welcome him back?

    Evil Keith Langlois: Christian, you are dumber than Tim, and he's half Cro-Mag! Not only are you willing to consider spending an already too large amount of money for a lackluster player with rusty skills and invisible offense, you'd trade away one perfectly good player to do it! A society that allows you to breed is a society where justice has no meaning.


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    T.J. (Sparta): With the young talent in Jason Maxiell, Rodney Stuckey, Arron Afflalo, Amir Johnson and Cheikh Samb coupled with the scouting and drafting ability of Joe dumars, it would seem the Pistons are set for the future. Provided these guys stay with the team and satisfy expectations, will the Pistons still be an elite team after the current starters pass the torch?

    Evil Keith Langlois: T.J., what the fuck kind of team ever just goes "OK, these 5 young guys are it, and let's just guarantee them a future no matter what happens"? That's the kind of question you ask when your dad is the manager at Wendy's, and you and your 4 brothers all flunked out of school. In the real world, where people have to compete, you're never completely sure that any group of guys is the right group. You're always worrying, wondering...am I good enough? Am I slipping? Am I too good, and maybe the other sports writers are gonna come and kill me in my sleep out of jealousy? Pressure?! What do you know about pressure!


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    Ali (East Lansing): The Pistons have been playing well in the regular season again, but they’ve failed in the playoffs the last two seasons. Do you think when they had four players sent to the All-Star game, they kind of relaxed and felt it was good enough?

    Evil Keith Langlois: My guess is that when the Pistons had four players sent to the All-Star game, they were invited to lots of nice parties and they had a great time. And then you know what happened? They got on a plane and flew back to Metro Airport. No matter how relaxed you think you are, that shit will sober you up right quick. People get their heads cut off here, you know.


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    Nick (Oxford, England): When LeBron scored 40-plus in the conference finals against our best defender, Tayshaun Prince – do you think if Prince bulked up he would not be so overwhelmed when they meet?

    Evil Keith Langlois: Oh jolly good indeed, Nicko old chap! I'm assuming that since you're English (or maybe gay...it's hard for me to tell the difference), you're familiar with a sport called "Rugby." In this sport, guys sometimes tuck a ball underneath their arms, without dribbling it on the ground, and just run through a group of guys, trying to score a goal. The rugby officials don't consider this against the rules, because it isn't. On the other hand, this kind of behavior is not allowed in NBA basketball, but the officials allow Lebron James to do exactly that, maybe because they all want to sleep with him or something. What the fuck do you think anyone can do about that, let alone Tayshaun Prince, who looks like someone glued him together out of toothpicks?


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    Tobias (Voehringen, Germany): Can you tell me why the Pistons, the second-best team in the league, don’t draw as many headlines as the other top teams? Boston, Orlando, San Antonio and Dallas all get more attention. What’s up?

    Evil Keith Langlois: Vell Tobias from Deutschland, ve haf dis habit in de US of being fery much in luff vit our shtars. De reazn for dis is dat most of our shports fanatics are zecretly...how do you say...homosexual? Listen, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Be at peace with yourselves, people! But it remains a fact that gay people love them some celebrities, or else there wouldn't be a VH1. They love people like Britney Spears, Liza Minelli, and Tony Parker. That repressed, manly, muscle-y, sweaty impulse is always going to help drive the celebrity culture of the NBA. And who gets to be a celebrity? Well, I can tell you this: pretty boy looks sure do mean a lot. And the Detroit Pistons, god love them, are a damn ugly team.


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    Mac (San Diego): Longtime Pistons fan who just discovered Mailbag. I was kicking something around with friends the other night. Dwyane Wade is a free agent after 2009. Could you see him taking less money to play for Detroit?

    Evil Keith Langlois: No.


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    Steve (Toledo): Minutes are not always equal. True, the starters are playing fewer minutes but the minutes they are playing take much more energy. My question is, will the starters be any more rested this year than last given they are playing harder in the minutes they actually are on the court?

    Evil Keith Langlois: Steve from Toledo is going to lecture us on the irregular nature of the time-space continuum right about now. Apparently, Steve's thesis is that some minutes contain more energy than other minutes. I'm sure he would not mind subjecting his thesis to peer review and if it stands up, we should give Steve one of those prized jobs at the Black Mesa Research Facility opening up dimensional gateways and shit.


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    Allie (Las Vegas): My friend who lives in Michigan heard on the radio that the reason Amir hasn’t played is because he’s dogging it in practice. Is there any truth to that?

    Evil Keith Langlois: That's bullshit, Allie. You want to know how I know it's bullshit? Because there aren't any radio stations in Michigan where people talk about any sports team except the goddamned Lions. Are you people just making shit up now, just for the sole purpose of harassing me? Tell your friend in Michigan that Pistons.com Website Editor Keith Langlois is going to hunt him down and kill him like the lying dog he is. I got enough to deal with right now without all you people trying to destroy me.


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    Ziga (Slovenia): Who do you think is the most versatile player in the NBA? I would put Tayshaun Prince right behind Andrei Kirilenko and Kevin Garnett.

    Evil Keith Langlois: Why do you even bother to ask me shit when you already have an answer for me? "Ziga", the minute I tolerate a European's opinion about basketball, or anything else, is the minute I know it's time to cut back on the model airplane glue.


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    Clifford (Detroit): The Pistons arguably have the best starting five in the NBA. Do you see all five starters making it to the NBA Hall of Fame?

    Evil Keith Langlois: No, Clifford. Let me break this down: Antonio McDyess is ugly. Rasheed Wallace is a psychotic hobo. Tayshaun Prince is a freak of nature. Rip Hamilton is easily the most infuriating shooting guard ever in the NBA, and Chauncey Billups has a face and voice that puts everyone to sleep. No matter how good these guys play, they're probably never going to make it to the Hall of Fame. And you should be OK with that. Make a list of the guys playing today who definitely will make it into the Hall of Fame, like Kobe Bryant, and we would all have to admit that all of these guys are just the world's biggest assholes. Who wants to be in a hall full of assholes for eternity? Not me. I get my fill with letters from you fuckwits.


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    Lee (Oklahoma): What do you think about going back to the old system of drafting players by means of a territorial draft? If they had a territorial draft every fourth year, it would not only change pro basketball but affect colleges, as well, since players might stick around longer to get drafted by the NBA team of their choice.

    Evil Keith Langlois: There's a reason the "old" system is the "old" system, Lee: because it sucked. Every 4 years, the Pistons and the Cavs would clean the fuck up, because that's where all the decent colleges are. What the fuck is New Jersey going to do? What the fuck do you do in LA, where there are two teams? What about all the eligible international players? God damn, this is the dumbest fucking idea. Fuck off, Lee.


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    Kenstop (Dudley, England): I noticed that Rasheed Wallace has been taking lots of 3-point attempts this season. Don’t you think he should focus on post-ups more?

    Evil Keith Langlois: You know what? As attractive as it may seem to make fun of you for your name and nationality, I'm going to bypass that for a second. If I had a quarter for every shit-brained fuckass who wrote me with this question, I would fill a sock with those quarters, fly to Dudley, England, and beat "Kenstop" to death with it penitentiary style.


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    Josh (Livonia): Aside from Jason Maxiell, who would you say will emerge as their most important role players by the time March rolls around?

    Evil Keith Langlois: You know who I think it will be? Primoz Brezec. He's so dreamy. Josh, you gotta be blind or retarded not to notice that Stuckey's been getting a lot of play.


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    Joe (Traverse City): Where are Alex Acker and Sammy Mejia? Do the Pistons still own their rights?

    Evil Keith Langlois: Mejia's in the D-league, Joe, and Alex Acker is playing for the Butt-Fuck Egypt Globetrotters.


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    Spencer: How good is Walter Herrmann and what could he do for the Pistons?

    Evil Keith Langlois: Good enough to get traded away from Charlotte. Jesus Christ, what a pit of hell that place is. For basketball and everything else, too. As far as what he can do for the Pistons, he can fly and turn lights on and off with his mind. Or were you not talking about super powers? Because I figure he can always score a few points by putting the ball through the hoop, if he sees fit.
    Find a new slant.

  2. #52
    Big Swami's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glenn
    Sorry guys, I have a busy morning.

    Enjoy this for now and I'll get the proper posting done later today.

    Hope that is okay with you, Swam.

    Maybe we need some hot interns or something to handle these things?
    Would it help if I formatted it in HTML or something? I don't want to create more work for you.

  3. #53
    The Gay Blade Zip Goshboots's Avatar
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    You guys have to give Glen some slack here. He has lost over 2300 Constitutionals that I've sent him, and I don;t even complain.
    Winning breeds confidence. Losing breeds reality.

  4. #54
    Glenn's Avatar
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    With Evil Keith Langlois


    Thursday, January 3, 2008

    Matthew: I’ve read some sites that say the Pistons get Minnesota’s second-round pick this year and others that say they can defer it until next year. Could you clear this up?

    Evil Keith Langlois: God dammit Matthew, I've already explained this. But you didn't listen, did you? Thought you were too smart to listen to good old Keith? You think you're better than me, Matthew? I'll clear something up for you: your penis is exactly as small as you think it is. Oh, and it's definitely this year's pick. Thanks for writing, lets move on to the next sports fan with a severe head injury!

    Read the entire evil Pistons Mailbag here.
    Find a new slant.

  5. #55
    CLEVELAND'S FINEST Zekyl's Avatar
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    Splendid. Absolutely splendid. I'd contribute a ton of quarters to evil keith if that was true.
    _

  6. #56
    Glenn's Avatar
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    With Evil Keith Langlois


    Monday, January 7, 2008

    Harsh (Rochester): I’m worried about letting the Celtics win in Detroit. Do you think the Pistons are a little concerned now? And why did the NBA make the Pistons play Dallas and San Antonio back to back?

    Evil Keith Langlois: How's this for Harsh: "you are a gigantic pussy." (Ah, it never gets old.) The NBA plays a lot of games every season. Yes, the Celtics are the figurative 500-lb gorilla that everyone has to deal with...a gorilla who just happens to be green, drunk, short-dicked, foul-tempered, and stinking like a dumpster. If you didn't think the season-long series against Boston was going to be tough, you are more fucked up than a football bat. Fortunately for you, I think your problem is not your dumbness, but your penchant for weeping like an open sore when things get rough. More fortunately for everyone else, the Pistons are made of terrifying, half-dead man-machines who eat human flesh and don't get all itchy just because they lost one game, like Harshy McPeepants here does.

    Read the entire evil Pistons Mailbag here.
    Find a new slant.

  7. #57
    CLEVELAND'S FINEST Zekyl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EK
    Or maybe open up your fucking eyes while the game is on, and you'll know that Maxiell only went 1 for 2 in his first set of Dwyane Wades.
    Umm, Evil Keith? I don't want to tick you off or anything, but Max went 0 for 2. Your reader thought he went 1 for 2. Are they rubbing off on you?
    _

  8. #58
    CLEVELAND'S FINEST Zekyl's Avatar
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    Wow, Pat actually got a somewhat nice response. Evil Keith has a weakness for people with brains apparently.
    _

  9. #59
    Big Swami's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zekyl
    Umm, Evil Keith? I don't want to tick you off or anything, but Max went 0 for 2. Your reader thought he went 1 for 2. Are they rubbing off on you?
    You take that back, you son of a bitch.

    LOL just kidding. Can't nail them all, I guess.
    Last edited by Big Swami; 01-08-2008 at 02:07 PM.

  10. #60
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    Evil Keith Langlois: Jesus Christ Ron, what are you doing? Are you trying to "gotcha" me? Yeah, I want a new Porshe, a better job, and I'd like to teabag one of those Pussycat Dolls too. Just because I wish for something doesn't mean it's actually going to happen.
    I'd like to bang the singer too.

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