Originally Posted by Vinny
(The following strategies are excerpted with permission from the upcoming "How To Work Less and Drink More: Surviving In the Modern Office Culture" by Vinny Marley. Mr. Marley culled this material from nearly three full years spent working in an office before he finally couldn't take it anymore and got a job in a bar. All rights remain reserved.)
The key to wasting office time is getting your ass out of the office -- that way you can do whatever the heck you want.
The easiest way is to take up smoking. Most offices, you can get away with up to 5 smoke breaks a day without anyone getting too upset about it -- maybe more, if your boss/supervisor smokes. If you're not prepared to take on some of the health risks (supposedly) associated with smoking, you can still take advantage. Just make friends with a couple of people who smoke, and head out with them every time they break. You can shoot the shit, look at the ladies, even just stare at the clouds -- it beats sitting at your desk, right?
Depending on what floor your office is on, an average smoke break takes about 15 minutes between elevator rides, waiting for stragglers, actual smoking, etc.. If you do 5 a day, that's 75 minutes a day, over 6 hours a week, and over 325 hours a year. You only get 2 weeks vacation you say? Take up smoking, you'll add over 8 40 hour weeks worth of time off to the tally.
Another convenient strategy is the good old-fashioned double lunch. Brilliant in it's simplicity, the double lunch can gain you up to an hour a day to do as you will with. The key is, you need a supervisor who goes out to lunch most every day. How does it work? Let's say your boss is going to lunch at high noon. You let it be known that you have some important stuff to finish, and you're not really sure when you'll be able to make it out. Then, you wait precisely 4 minutes (no less, and I can't emphasize this enough. You don't want to end up in the same elevator.) and head off to lunch yourself. When your supervisor comes back an hour later, they just assume you must have just left (you had that important work to finish, remember? For a nice touch, take some random work you may have done recently and leave it on their desk on you're way out. This will eliminate any suspicion altogether). When you come back an hour and 56 minutes later, you'll be refreshed and recharged, more than prepared to handle the 63 minutes until your next smoke break.
A third strategy is much more complicated to pull off, but can be essential to those younger folks who like to go out nights during the week. It takes careful planning, strict attention to detail and, most importantly, a partner you can trust. Many people shy away as soon as they hear the word "partner" but trust me, if you can pull it off, it's worth it.
You and your partner set up a schedule and take turns about twice a week: One of you comes in 15 minutes early. Wait a minute, you say, how is this helping me kill time? Well, the payoff is that in exchange for that 15 minutes, you get 1, 2, even 3 hours when it's your partner's turn later in the week.
Let's say it's Thursday morning and it's your partner "Bob's" turn to come in early. Bob gets there 15 minutes early, before there are too many people around and proceeds directly to your desk. He opens a few important looking files, spreads a few papers around and sends out a few e-mails. If it's the winter months, he grabs an extra jacket that you guys leave there and throws it on the back of your chair and then goes and grabs a half a cup of coffee and leaves it on your desk to complete the illusion. Then, within reason, you can come in pretty much whenever you want -- perfect for sleeping off that nasty hangover.
You should start out slow until the kinks are all worked out, say no more than an hour for the first month, but once you get going, you'll be coming in at 1:00 before you know it. Hell, if you're creative enough, you can even go after my own personal record: When I had a real good partner pack in '99, I missed three consecutive entire Friday's without anyone being the wiser.
