Fuckin' Russians fuckin' raccoons.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Douche Baggins
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Fuckin' Russians fuckin' raccoons.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Douche Baggins
Raccoons are now off bukdow's list.
^^ I lul'd
:cogent:Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Douche Baggins
Clearly, the war on drugs begins at home:
http://heraldnet.com/article/2009012...r.own.bathroom
How much you wanna bet the girl marries the guy in the end?Quote:
Police make bust in their own bathroom
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/...assault29.html
Obviously, this is all the domestic automakers' fault:Quote:
King County prosecutors filed assault charges Wednesday against a Seattle man accused of attempting to "sacrifice" his live-in girlfriend.
http://www.omaha.com/index.php?u_pag...u_sid=10549874
Quote:
I-80 driver had it backward — for 40 miles
Zip, you so crazy!Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Mxy
Wolves and cats are NOT related.
^ Only weird to Tahoe.
They were back when I was a kid. I'm that old.
Not that weird I guess but:
Quote:
By MITCH DUDEK Staff Reporter
No such thing as a free lunch? How about a free breakfast?
Responding to the harsh economy with a huge promotion, Denny’s offered a free “Grand Slam” breakfast to anyone who showed up and asked for it from 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. today at all of its restaurants nationwide.
And people lined up out the doors to get it.
“It lifts peoples’ spirits,” Cindy Romo said as she waited to get her free breakfast at a Denny’s on Harlem in Harwood Heights, where the line stretched about 30 yards out the door.
What, the idea of giving people a break in tough times?
No, the bacon. “Bacon lifts my spirits,” said Romo, 42, of Lombard.
Denny’s heavily promoted the giveaway, with ads including a 30-second commercial that aired during the third quarter of the Super Bowl on Sunday. The company said it was hoping to show customers who have been cutting back because of the recession that they could get a quick breakfast that’s a good value at Denny’s.
Value was something Claudette Ledesma could relate to. She said she’s been out of work for three years. She made good use of her time in line in Harwood Heights, handing out her card and talking up her job skills to all who would listen.
“I tried to start a custom scrapbooking business,” said Ledesma, 59, who lives on the North Side in Old Irving Park. “But it didn’t take because of the economy. I’m looking for an HR position. Money is very, very, tight. I’m about to go broke, bankrupt and everything else.”
Dustin Williams was another job-hunter who took time out for the freebie breakfast. He, his wife and eight of her relatives ordered 10 Grand Slams. Williams is looking for work as a youth coordinator. And his wife, who decorates cakes and pastries, was with him after being told not to show up to work today because business is so low.
“I’m looking to do anything at this point,” said Williams, 24, a Northwest Sider who lives in Edison Park. “I haven’t been out to breakfast for months. I’m glad to have it.”
Denny’s, which has 1,500 restaurants nationwide, expected to give away as many as 2 million Grand Slam breakfasts today, spokeswoman Cori Rice said. It sells more than 12.5 million of them a year.
Edsel Vazquez admitted he accounted for not just one, but two, of the freebies, getting one at a Denny’s in Oak Park after first stopping at the one in Harwood Heights.
“It’s eat, eat, sleep, and back to work,” said Vazquez, 35, who loads and unloads packages on the twilight shift for UPS.
Lol @ the guy that went to 2 different Denny's to get 2 free breakfasts.
Aww... how touching:
http://www.toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs...WS16/902100374
DEER HUNTING IS GOODQuote:
There's no answer yet for what may have first attracted the deer to the PetSmart building. While it's said that animals can smell fear, what is less known is whether they can sniff out good will and free medical care.
"Of all the places to run into, a pet store that has vets in it," marveled Ms. Urie, adding with a laugh: "If it would have went into a Bass Pro, it would have been a different story."
How sex-ed works in Ohio:
http://dispatch.com/live/content/loc...h.html?sid=101
Detroit is such a god-forsaken place that people from Ohio kidnap Detroiters and read the Bible to them -- really!
http://www.toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs...WS02/902170363
Quote:
A 34-year-old man accused of holding a woman captive in his West Toledo apartment for three days and reading Bible passages to her will be arraigned Tuesday in Toledo Municipal Court.
Troy Brisport of 4127 Secor Rd., Apt. 105 was charged with kidnapping and felonious assault, police said. He was being held without bond Monday night in the Lucas County jail.
Toledo police Capt. Ray Carroll said Mr. Brisport, who moved to Toledo in December from Mount Vernon, N.Y., was in Detroit about midnight Wednesday when he saw Shykea Boykin, 22, on the street and picked her up. She told him she didn't have a place to stay.
Ms. Boykin apparently fell asleep on the drive to Toledo and woke up after arriving at Mr. Brisport's Secor Road apartment. She went inside and again fell asleep, the captain said.
While Ms. Boykin was sleeping, Mr. Brisport handcuffed her wrists and ankles and put a gag in her mouth. He then undressed her and put an adult diaper on her, according to court documents.
"She said she didn't have a place to stay and wound up in Toledo. She falls asleep, wakes up, and finds herself in this situation," Captain Carroll said. "This is pretty unusual."
Ms. Boykin was not given any food and Mr. Brisport tried more than once to suffocate her using pillows and a blanket, court documents state.
Captain Carroll said there is no evidence that Ms. Boykin was sexually assaulted or beaten during the three days she was held captive.
Mr. Brisport did, however, read Bible passages to Ms. Boykin.
"It's unusual to hold somebody for that long and not commit a sexual assault, and to restrict them like that, and read Bible verses to them," Captain Carroll said.
The captain said police are unsure of a motive.
Ms. Boykin escaped from the apartment about 1 p.m. Saturday while Mr. Brisport was sleeping.
Police found the handcuffed woman in the apartment parking lot, dressed only in a T-shirt and adult diaper. She was not wearing any shoes.
Ms. Boykin pointed out the apartment where she was held to police, who went inside and arrested Mr. Brisport.
Captain Carroll said police believe this may not be the first time Mr. Brisport has done something like this.
And here's a little gem so the folks on the west side of the state don't feel like they're missing out:
http://www.record-eagle.com/archives...045192150.html
Quote:
KALKASKA -- A deputy from the Kalkaska Sheriff's Department is on suspension after he went to a topless bar while on duty.
...
"I talked to the manager, I didn't talk to any dancers ... it's more PR than anything," he said.
Quote:
Captain Carroll said police believe this may not be the first time Mr. Brisport has done something like this.
That's called religion. I don't see a problem here.
One pill makes you larger...
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/news...te-rabbit.html
From the land of Yankee Doodle Road, where MoTown dwells, is the stoplight that would never turn green...
http://www.startribune.com/local/wes...7PQLanchO7DiUrQuote:
But when he wanted to use the most direct route home, traveling northeast along Excelsior Boulevard through St. Louis Park, he found himself stuck at a stoplight at 38th Street that has a sign saying right turns are allowed only on a green arrow.
Trouble is, at night, the arrow never turned green.
"I would wait and wait and wait, and the arrow wouldn't change," he said. The only time the arrow turns green at night is if a vehicle comes up 38th Street toward Excelsior. But because it's a quiet neighborhood, that rarely happens.
Huh, so this is MoTown?Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Mxy
http://stmedia.startribune.com/image...PLIGHT0225.jpg
I thought he'd be younger...
http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news.../detail.html#-Quote:
A man who tried to mellow out his kitty by stuffing her into a homemade bong comprised of a garden hose and a clear plastic box is facing criminal charges.
Lincoln-area authorities cited 20-year-old Acea Schomaker on suspicion of animal cruelty Sunday morning after catching him smoking marijuana from a contraption with cat inside and a 12-inch by 6-inch base.
Schomaker told Lancaster County sheriff's deputies the 6-month-old female named Shadow had been hyper and that he was trying to calm her.
Easily the awesomest thing I've read all day, for two reasons...
LinkQuote:
FORT PIERCE, FL -- Told McDonald’s was out of Chicken McNuggets after paying for a 10-piece, a local woman called 911...Three times.
"This is an emergency, If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one,” Latreasa L. Goodman later told police. “This is an emergency."
The McNugget meltdown happened last week at a McDonald’s in the 600 block of North U.S. 1 and ended with Goodman, 27, getting a notice to appear on a misuse of 911 charge, according to a recently released police report.
Goodman told investigators she tried to get a refund for the 10-piece McNuggets, but the cashier told her all sales are final.
"I called 911 because I couldn't get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets," Goodman told police.
The cashier told police she offered Goodman, of the 2400 block of South 25th Street, a larger portion of food for the same price to make up for it, but said Goodman got “irate,” the report states.
Goodman reportedly yelled, "I don't want a McDouble and small fry," the cashier told investigators.
Dispatchers for 911 told police Goodman called the emergency number three times and on each occasion was told an officer was en route.
“Goodman maintained the attitude ‘this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency,’” the report states.
McNuggets, introduced to the McDonald’s national menu in 1983, are sold in more than 100 countries and, unlike the McDouble, are often dunked in barbecue or hot mustard sauce.
Goodman’s 10-piece selection has 460 calories and 29 grams of fat.
1. It's funny for the obvious reason of calling 911 over 10 nuggets.
2. What the hell was that writer thinking at the end of the article? LOL
Yeah I think the ending of the article is weirder than the actual news. I guess he went the right route, though. When I was reading the story I was wondering to myself, "well is the McDouble more calories than the Nuggets? I wonder how most people eat McNuggets... and do people dip McDoubles?"
Thank God that writer was on the job to answer my questions.
What is a McDouble? They don't have that at my everyday mcdonalds.
There's a McDouble, and a double cheeseburger. The McDouble is on the dollar menu, and has one less slice of cheese. They made it because the double cheeseburger was too expensive to keep on the dollar menu, but they had to keep something on there with two grease patties for a buck.Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinny
Miss Russian Nuclear Power 2009:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage...cle2296554.ece
http://translate.google.com/translat...09.nuclear.ru/
^ LOL...I like 1, 6, 7, 8 and 10.
http://www.sltrib.com/News/ci_11853476
Quote:
Two Bountiful Junior High School teachers are accused of sexually assaulting the same 13-year-old student, after their separate relationships with him spiraled from personal conversations to the exchange of sexual text messages and phone sex, authorities said.
On Friday, the Davis County Attorney's Office filed first-degree felony charges of rape and sodomy on a child against Linda R. Nef, 46, and Valynne Bowers, 39.
Nef, a Utah studies teacher and cheerleading adviser, and Bowers, who teaches math, each confessed to having sex with the student, said Bountiful Police Lt. Randy Pickett. Until recently, the two teachers did not know about each other's relationship with the same boy, Pickett said.
^ Thats fuckin weird
http://www.berkshireeagle.com/ci_118...ce=most_viewedQuote:
Jennifer told investigating officers that Stephanie "has been talking about trying to impregnate (her) for some time," police said.
According to a report by Pittsfield Police Officer Kipp D. Steinman: "Jennifer said that Stephanie had a 'turkey baster and her brother's semen in a sealed container.' Jennifer said she told Stephanie that she didn't want to get pregnant." The device was actually a large syringe with a catheter tip, police said, and it was still in its original package when officers confiscated the item.
That's allegedly when Stephanie threw Jennifer on the couch, grabbed at her clothes and threatened to impregnate her, police said.
Pure awesome!
http://www.ocala.com/article/2009031...mes-prostituteQuote:
OCALA - An Ocala man was arrested Sunday afternoon, although he reportedly told Marion County sheriff's deputies the crack cocaine they found in a gum wrapper must have belonged to a prostitute he picked up the night before.
David Gaskins, 38, was charged with cocaine possession, according to a Sheriff's Office report.
Just after 3 p.m. Sunday, deputies pulled Gaskins over on Northeast Jacksonville Road near the Southeastern Livestock Pavillion for having an expired tag on his Dodge pickup. They searched the truck and reportedly found a piece of crack cocaine inside a silver gum wrapper on the passenger side of the truck.
Gaskins said the cocaine might belong to the prositute who performed oral sex on him inside the truck on Saturday night, according to the report. He was taken to the Marion County Jail.
http://www.aikenstandard.com/Local/0401BodyExhumedQuote:
Officials gathered Tuesday morning where the body of the late Rev. James Hines was exhumed to investigate allegations that the man's legs had been cut to fit him in a casket he pre-ordered when he learned he was sick with cancer.
Same old same ol'...
http://www.themoscowtimes.com/articl.../42/376242.htmQuote:
In what is either the weirdest Russian crime story of the year so far or a new low in yellow crime journalism, a female hair stylist in the Kaluga region is suspected of holding an armed robber in captivity as a sex slave for two days after he unsuccessfully tried to knock over her beauty salon.
http://translate.google.com/translat....ru/news/63330
I read this and thought of that scene from WALL-E where "blue is the new red".
"GR Firm To Digitize Trendy Color Palette For First Time"
http://www.wwj.com/GR-Firm-To-Digiti...-First/4175123
That's weird
Here's a story about the guy who's really coaching FIU for Isiah:
http://www.miamiherald.com/486/story/1007907.html
LINKQuote:
Maid charged after adding menstrual blood to employer's food
Tokyo's Cat Cafes
Quote:
Already a city of highly diverse innovation, a new fad in dynamic Tokyo appears to be the cat café, which has captured the hearts of animal lovers. Here, one pays for the privilege of being in the diffident company of some fabulous felines
Quote:
The Calico and other cat cafés are truly “in” places, the real “cat’s meow,” so to speak. Here, customers seeking human and feline companionship pay to sip tea and stroke one of the 20-odd resident cats, representing 17 different breeds.
Cat cafés fill an important social void in a nation of aging and childless adults. Many patrons would be pet owners, but cannot either because of work obligations or no-pet housing facilities.
I'm pretty sure we have those kinds of places here but they're called strip clubs.Quote:
It would seem that one hour of communion with a loving fur-ball at the cost of about $9 US dollars, is a bargain that many cannot resist.
Correct. :we: call them "Pussy Pubs".Quote:
Originally Posted by geerussell
People love pussy.
Sorry if this has been posted somewhere but HOLY SHIT:
http://deadspin.com/5226042/the-one-...ks-casual-wear
"When you fart is loud enough to make a animal curious you know probably gonna win burritos."
Quote:
Sir, Your Nonsense Is Extraordinary And Terrifying(blows out) this remind me of my friend names Helen van Biscuits. There is mexicaned resterant in my town that have contest. They say whoever make loudest fanny cough will get a year supply of burrito for free. We have known for years that our friend names Helen just love them burritos so qwerts call her up and tell her about the contest. Helen get real excited but there is one problem. she can't make them fanny coughs loud enough. But one thing she do have is a brains.
So she do alotta research. She go to library and get books about intestines. She try eating different food. She try holdin in choclates for weeks. She try stading in diffrent position when making fanny coughs. There is no stones turned. She even have strategy meeitngs with my freind qwerts after work. Qwwerts suggest that maybe he could build tiny microphone that make it sound real loud but she say no. She is very honets and wouldn't feel good about winnin them burritos like that. She was at the end of a road and almost give up when teh break of a lifetime happen. She watching a tv show about archetecture of buildings and they say that sometime if there the right combonation of curves and openings that sounds can become ampflied and things sound real loud. It say they use these technique in some of the most famous auditorium in all of a world.
That night she try all different things that have curves and opening. She lean her fanny on a wall, teh window, she use kitchen items like a whinsk. But nothing work. As last resort she take her fingers and make opening between middle and next finger just like mr sponk (ecept it is alittle curved). She put her hand like that around the ###### and make a cough. Babooms! It is so loud that it set off 3 car alarms on teh street. But maybe she just get lucky? She try one more time and it is even more loud. She look out a window and there is like 6 animal jsut lookin at her. When you fart is loud enough to make a animal curious you know probably gonna win burritos.
So now she is all set. The contest is today at teh retsaraunt and she knows that destiny is in her bowls. She have her technique and pretty soon she gonna eat burrito for free and the world is her oysters. The contest start and the man who own the restaraunt ( it is called la Pringles) take the stage. "Hello to everyones. Today is day of contest and whoever make teh loudest fanny cough win burrito for a year. on behalfs of me and everyone who work at el pringles, welcome and let teh farters begin! Will all contestant please come to stage." It turn out there is only two people in contest. One is Helen van bisquits and the other is some lady names maria pringles (but they say she aint related). Teh owner say "OK, it just you two, who ever is loudest win!"
So Helen go first. She take a few deep breath. She close her eyes so she can really concentrate. Everyone get real quiet (it real packed there). She slowly hold up her hand and seperate her fingers and curve them (an old lady gasp). She turn around slow and take her her fingers and place them around the outside of teh angus. Here we go. She begin and she let out what is probly one of teh loudest noise ever to come out of a body including screams. It sound like part boat horn and part nucleared esplosion. It is breathtaking and it last for almost 20 seconds. When it is done there is total silence esept for one old man who lookin around and pointing to his ears and tellin everyone he think he is now deaf, but people is pretty much ignore him. Eventually helen turn around and one person start clappin, then a few more and soon it is become a standing ovation. "Borava!" one lady scream. another little girl go to teh stage and give helen a bouquet of flower. Helen is touched and a tear come out. Even Maria pringles look impressed. What can she do ecept to tip her hat to one hell of a fanny cough.
So teh claps die down (ecept for that old deaf man but he wife tell him to calm down and they will hearing aid later). So now it is maria turn. Everyone get quiet again and give maria they attention. Maria look around, she bite down real hard and skin on her nose scrunch. She start counting..."one....two....THREE!" She let out her cough and it sound like snores, but it get a little louder and a little louder and then suddenly there is a second noise that going with it and then ....BOOM teh window esplode! People is so confused. Where did that second part of teh cough come from and how did them windows broke? How does she do that? Teh owner of La Pringle take the microphone "We have a winner! It is maria pringles! Her farts is so loud they break them windows and is sound almost like simons and Garf's uncle when it come out. Congratulation to maria and enjoy you burritos!" Maria start jumping up and down and I look at Helen von bicuits and she is devistating. Even people who watching really don't know what happen. They know that helen probably was louder but Maria broke them windows. So if Helen don't break teh windows and maria do, maria must have been louder.
Helen walk down teh stage and she is very upset. She come to us and say that she try her best and we agree. Qwerts say that he was so impressed by what she do and say he now really attracted to her because she is so talent. We agree it best to go home but Helen want to go say thank you to teh owner before she leave. She have so much class that even though she lose she gonna say thank you. Her fanny is real impressive but her character is loudest of all.
So she look around for him and cant find him. She check everywhere and then finally she look through teh door into the kitchen. That is when she see something that change she life forever. She see teh a whole bunch of people dancing around and singing. She see teh owner, he family and Maria pringle is there too. They is throwing people around on chairs like it is jewished wedding. They is all singing and laughing. She hear teh owner say that he so proud of maria pringles and that Maria is a long lost cousin and they rig teh conest so Maria would get them free burritos. It turn out that there were two little boys that threw rocks at teh windows (he give them free taco) when Maria was makin her coughs and teh second, higher pitch noise when Maria was makin her cough was actually teh owner blowing into a special ring he was wearin that make whistles. He time everything just right and with the harmony and teh glass breaking everyone get tricked into believing that Maria was making it all happen but it was all mirage.
Helen is now so mad she burst through the door into the kitchen and everybody who was dancing an laughing stop and look at her. Teh owner say, "Oh, uh, helen, oh, i we sorry that you lose and uh, we..." but helen cut him off. She slowly raise her right and seperate her fingers. Now people are getting real serioused and starting to panic. "No, dont do it helen" maria scream. But helen don't listen. She turn around, put her fingers on teh ######. Me and qwerts have no gone to teh door to watch and helen look over at qwerts and he say to her (real soft) "I love you." and with those words she let out a cough that so loud you cant hear nothin, you could only see teh looks over terror on teh face of teh pringle family. Some bottles of hot sauce start esploding and Maria Pringle get blown against a wall. Some of them beans also esplode and they go into teh owners eyes and I can see him mouthing "i am blind! I blind." She finish and say "you can keep you burritos, from now on I only gonna eat chinesed."
she walk out of teh kitchen and back in the restarant and the people part for her like a red sea. They clappin and pattin her on her shoulders when she walkin by. The old man who went deaf say that teh second farts knock he hearing back and now it is even better than ever. The mayor is there too and he say "I declares today is helen biscuits day." Helen stop and say thank you to everyone and wave. They all wave back but with they fingers a little apart and curve as a sign of respect. Helen tap her heart and show how much that mean to her. She may not have won all them burritos but she won alotta friends and when it is all done and said, burritos go in you and come out but friends stay in you forever.
stu1ds
p and s when i was writin this i think i hear helen make a loud one ...lol hey huerta if you readin this dont tell jimmy **** that i put xlax in teh chuck wagons...lol
tl;dr. -1