http://www.slate.com/id/2161655?GT1=9231
This seems like fun. I know it's reminiscent of the Mt Rushmore thread, which fizzled, but what would be your Final Four in any topic?
What would be your Final Four of TV shows? Of Peanut Butters? Lesbians? Polack jokes?
Let's do this!

Here's a start:
The Final Four of the worst thing about sports:
E
S
P
N

The Final Four of golfers that I hate:

Sergio Garcia: Has made an entire career out of one shot from behind a tree and dancing like a ferry, and making a "charge" by shooting a 71 on a Sunday than for actually doing something worthwhile.

Tom Watson: Beat out Jack Nicklaus at the '82 U.S.Open with a miraculous shot from the rough, and I have hated him ever since. Nobody does that to Jack and survives my wrath.

Tom Kite: This fuckless fucking fuckhead is the quintessential '80's and early '90's golfer: Getting rich not by actually winning, oh no, but by finishing in eighth place six times a year and occassionally backing into a win when some other golfer choked a tournament away. Epitomizes the term "Country Club Ferry" better than anyone, even the Man Titted Wonder, Phil "D Cup" Mickelson.

Bill Garnett: A guy I golf with here in Omaha. Garnett married a rich woman, so he does nothing but golf, golf, and bang his wife. The worst part is that he drives the ball about 100 yards, but is straight as an arrow. He's murder with his fairway woods, and can putt real well. Seeemingly always putting for par. I hate this fucker, but I love him.
I forgot there's one more reason I hate Garnett: He took one shot at having kids, because he got married when he was about 34. His one shot was that he gave his wife two years to get pregnant, then he was getting a vasectome. So she had twin boys. Fucker.

Four guys that I'd like to have a beer or eight with:

Tim Russert
Al Franken
Bill Clinton
Jon Barry

The final four of posters I want to punch in the face:
MoTown
Dr. Tre
Denny Mclain
Glenn

Final Four of lightbulb jokes:

Q) How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) WANNA GO RIDE BIKES????

Q) How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A) If a lightbulb is anything like a filthy sleeping bag, then two.

Q) How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) YOU DON'T KNOW MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!

Q) How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Fish.


Final four of Presidents:
Thomas Jefferson
Abraham Lincoln
Teddy Roosevelt
FDR


Final four of chile peppers:
Habanero
Jalapeno
Ancho
Green Finger Chile


Final Four of men whose names are phallic double-entendres
Peter O'Toole
...everyone else forfeited because Peter O'Toole is the most awesome name ever given to a human being.

The Final Four of College basketball head coach combovers:

Lou Henson
Jud Heathcote
Denny Crum
Dana Altman (current Creighton coach. In spite of the combover, his wife is pretty hot)

http://content.answers.com/main/content/img/webpics/combover.jpg
http://www.oddjack.com/gambling/images/trump_hair.jpg
http://www.hyperorg.com/blogger/images/combover.jpg
http://www.londonist.com/attachments/Kaufman/Combover.jpg
This one from the Gloggers of America

Four guys that I'd like to have a beer or eight with:

Tim Russert
Al Franken
Bill Clinton
Jon Barry

wait......you'd pass up a chance to share a beer with the one and only:

http://michigangolfer.tv/2005shows/treetops/pics/georgeblaha_foto.jpg

Final Four TV shows i could watch forever:

Seinfeld
The Office
Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Growing Pains

on the bubble: Arrested Development (could have made the list, had the show not been prematurely canceled), Three's Company.

Blaha would be the barkeep.

Final Four of Coaches I hate:

Rat Faced Fuck of Duke. The "leader" who happens to coach. The fucking guy who is trying to convince the world that the letter "K" can make the "SH" sound. Guess what? it works for him, he's a polack.

Rat Faced Fuck of North Carolina: Couldn't get it done at Kansas, so he steps in with Matt Doherty's recroots and wins a championship. I'm thinking it'll be back to business as usual with this twat. Bridesmaid from now on. Oh well, at least he is having the ACC experience now of daily blow jobs from Dick Vitale.

John Cheney (Retired Temple coach): Just a raving maniac. Normally, I admire a guy who is both a raving maniac, AND someone who wants to kill John Calipari (I've tried twice myself), but Cheney never won diddly dick at Temple, and of course, he sent a player to break an opposing players arm. I say, "Hey, you old fucker, go out there and try to beat the kid up yourself".

Well, #4 is tough: I hate Denny Crum (The guy was always chewing some cud like substance, and he spoke like, well, the most ignorant backwoods hick this side of GW Bush); I hate Rick Pitino and John Calipari. Do I hate them because they are Italian? No. I do love Italian women. But these two aren't Italian women.
So, the region which featured Crum, Pitino, and Calipari was the toughest of all.
I'm going to go with the darkhorse from that region:
Lloyd H Carr: I can;t stand this fuck head. Treats the media like dirt, is terrible for PR, can NOT win important games, and generally sucks at everything.

The final four of my favorite Heat players:

...

The final four of my favorite Heat players:

...

funny

four ellipses' would have been a tad bit funnier

This is not Philosophy class, nor is it an exercise in existentialism:
A Final Four of "Nothing" is NOT a Final Four of "Something". You must make a choice here, and live with the consequences of said choice.

funny

four ellipses' would have been a tad bit funnier

FUCK. I was fighting with that choice for a couple minutes... I put both of them down and compared them. I made a choice and have to stick with it.

The Final Four of Pet Peeves of Social Situations:

When I say, "Thank you", and you say, "You bet" or "Not a problem"
Just say "you're welcome" so I don't feel like killing your family.

Wimpy Hand Shakes
Do you want to kiss my hand or something? Why do some guys grab your hand halfway, just where your fingers end? A full hand grip, three firm shakes, and please, NO BUTT SEX.

People Who Don't Remove Shoes Upon Entering My House
I have nearly white carpeting. Do you think I WANT you to track your dog shit into my house? It really makes me wonder what all you people who have brown carpeting are harboring in your home.

People who say "God bless you" when people sneeze.
Are sneezes THAT dangerous that if I survive one, it's a fucking miracle?

Final Four of Worst Times to Have to Take a Dump:

Stuck in traffic:
A no brainer. The eventual National Champion. Nothing like sitting at a red light just about to explode, and you've used up all your "pressure release" farts.

During a job interview:
Usually they are conducted in a small, oeverheated office, and speaking of pressure release farts, you can't do it, especially for fear of ruining your chance to bang the interviewer if she's hot.

Your first time at a new chicks house:
You have to excuse yourself to go to the restroom, and you're in there for half an hour, and there's no doubt you've just taken the shit of your life and she can't go in her own bathroom for the next two weeks. And the skid marks you leave in her toilet are a real nice "romantic" touch there, Casanova.

At a Michigan Football game:
They have what, two restrooms for 110,000 people? And if you leave your seat for the epic journey to the restroom, and are gone for 45 minutes, good luck tucking your ass back into the six inch wide seat the U of M has provided for your comfort. A strong dose of Ex Lax the night before the game will solve the problem, though.

The Final Four of Pet Peeves of Social Situations:

When I say, "Thank you", and you say, "You bet" or "Not a problem"
Just say "you're welcome" so I don't feel like killing your family.

I do this all the time to people, and I enjoy it a great deal, but then I'm a great big asshole.
YOU: Thank you.
ME: Uh huh.


Wimpy Hand Shakes
Do you want to kiss my hand or something? Why do some guys grab your hand halfway, just where your fingers end? A full hand grip, three firm shakes, and please, NO BUTT SEX.

Three firm shakes? What, do you want to hold hands with me, Bruce? One shake will do.


People Who Don't Remove Shoes Upon Entering My House
I have nearly white carpeting. Do you think I WANT you to track your dog shit into my house? It really makes me wonder what all you people who have brown carpeting are harboring in your home.

No, no one thinks you want dirt tracked into your home. But seeing people like you freak out about dirt is so entertaining that I do it repeatedly, just to get them going. I'm a habitual line-stepper.


People who say "God bless you" when people sneeze.
Are sneezes THAT dangerous that if I survive one, it's a fucking miracle?

It's an old tradition, but one I think you can probably defeat singlehandedly. Here's what I suggest you do: every time someone says "God Bless You" after you sneeze, give them a dismissive wave and say "ehh, go to hell." I'm sure they'll see where you're coming from.

A habitual "line stepper"?
That's an egregious error, my friend. Not for breaking your Mother's back, but you should step over every line with your left foot, lest the Earth open up and swallow you.
On the handshake, you make a good point. Three shakes is for old friends you haven't seen for awhile, and have to pretend that you actually like them, and are equally phony in saying, "Glad to see you".
Two shakes will do. One is too frugal. Give a little bit of yourself when greeting someone.

I'd like to take this time to share something that was told to me long ago.

"If you shake it more than once, you're playing with it."

Confucious Say:
"Man who don't shake it more than once have yellow shorts"

After a night of watching karaoke singers embarrass themselves (excluding myself, of course, as I entertained everyone with a rousing rendition of Mack the Knife and Sweet Caroline), I have decided that my Final Four today is this:

Final Four of Black Singers White Men Should NEVER Imitate:

Marvin Gaye: Aside from trying to sing an anthem like "What's Goin' On", which meant a great deal to the times in which it was written, white men should NOT try to sing "Let's Get it On". The moans and groans just don't work through the nose.

James Brown: Excuse me, Tad, but you are NOT black and proud, even if you say it out loud.

Barry White: We should not attempt to go this low. We may hurt ourselves. Also, don't imitate Barry White at the dinner table either.

Smokey Robinson: A good falsetto takes years to perfect. Don't think that just because you've had twelve beers, and the fact that your wife has your balls in her purse you can do it.