And YES, I meant "SportsWARP....
Let's see: Barry Bonds won't "participate" in a steroids inquiry". Gee, what a surprise. His trainer rots in jail while Bonds goes free, he will break Hank Aaron's record because, and only because, he has taken steroids for years, he's lied about it constantly, he's the subject of a federal perjury investigation, and although he "wants to help", but can't, he won't help baseball with its own investigation of steriods. At this point, it's too easy to pick on Bonds, just let him get out of bed in the morning, and watch the hilarity ensue...Is there a better old time crooner on the planet than Englebert Humperdinck? Man, still belting them out 40 years later. Thank Gawd old time crooners never had an "East Coast - West Coast" thing, otherwise Humperdinck might have been whacked by Tom Jones years ago...GOLF: A blurb on ESPN.COM says American golfers need to "get better" to challenge the rest of the world in match play. Um, ever hear of Tiger Woods? What exactly IS "match play", and when was the last time anyone on the planet cared about it? Hello, I'm Joe Sportsfan. Wake me if, and only if, Tiger Woods is leading the Masters on Sunday with five holes to play. THAT'S when I watch golf...Does anyone even notice college basketball season anymore until there's about five games to go?...Speaking of Baseball and steroids, I can't WAIT to get back to the days of 2-0 games night after night and guys leading the major leagues with 32 home runs again...Whatever happened to Hockey? Can't seem to find anyone in the world who cares anymore...Am I the only person who has been sick of Dick Vitale since 1977?...I know this might sound weird, but I'd probably bang Lisa Leslie if I had the chance...

Is that you, Larry King?

Let's do
The sportswarp
Again

"That was a close game we had against Jordan yesterday. Glad we pulled through, but I'm really sick of our Hammertime bullshit and Mr. Smirking Baggypants. We fucking play like we have baggypants on. Shit just hasn't been the same since the Mahorn fiasco -- fuck Stern, fuck the Timberpups. Lamb needs another big black intimidator out there because Buddha doesn't qualify. Fuck, even Rodman's beating him out for rebounds."

Just brought my bad day up a notch.

First of all, I have to get this off my chest: I did mean to type "sportsWRAP last time, but when I saw spartsWARP, I just tried to act "cool" and pretend I meant WARP....
Why do dwomen talk so much?...AND, who the hell thinks it would really be neat to be married to a woman who likes to watch sports? Man, I sit down to watch a game, and it's three hours of peace. No way can a woman watch a football game and equate it to the purse party she went to last week. BUT, if she likes watching football, it's three hours of "What is a first down?", or "Do you think those cheerleaders are prettier than me?". I mean, no matter how much a woman tries to convince me they like and know sports, I'd just rather have some things we go our separate ways over...Tough call at the end of Duke-North Carolina. I almost feel sorry for guys who referee games between those two teams. The poor guys have to call fouls on somebody eventually...Is there anything better on television right now than Most Extreme Challenge on Spike TV? The writing is genius, the action pure, and really, those Japanese athletes on that show can take some punishment. Seeing some chick get creamed on those multiple rolling log things make me think even more that soccer players are fags...And, comversely, the WORST show on television right now is "Gray's Anatomy". Dude, I'm thinking that if that show is even somewhat based on how doctors in hospitals really are, I'll take my chances with Kervorkian next time I find an open, puss leaking sore on my penis...Did I say that out loud?...There may or may not be some truth to the rumor that I recently woke up in a hotel in Rangoon, Burma, completely naked and sandwiched in between Ted Koppel and Michelle Kwan. But I do know now that Koppel has been wearing a toupee all these years. That in and of itself isn't bad, but Ted, why RED?...When you get right downw to it, Pepsi sucks. Compare Pepsi to Coke, and try to tell me your Coke belches won't rattle the plaster on your walls much better than Pepsi...Yeah, I can watch Fox News sometimes, but only because I've nailed just about every hot chick they throw up there...Well, baseball season is finally about to kick off, hockey and basketball are in full swing, March Madness is about to start, and all I can think about is, "How long till Lloyd Carr tells a sideline reporter to fuck off on national TV?"...In all honesty, March Madness is great. Two weeks of great basketball without Dick Vitale is almost as good as hitting the lottery...I don't think I'm alone in saying that if Phil Mickelson wins the Masters this year, Jim Nance will blow him in front of the entire world...

Some of us are old enough to remember Vegas when it was still Vegas, instead of the current "Disney in the Dessert" that it now is. I know that somewhere in the Bible there is a passage advising me not to look to the old days, and think they were better. I'm not so sure they got that one right...
I remember the Great Old Days: Frank, Sammy, and Deano tearing it up out there. The Mob ruled Vegas, and you could get a room virtually free, and the $1.99 buffet was as good as any fancy pants restaurant in La La land or New York City: You know, the ones where you have to mortgage your house to get just enough food to feed a gerbil. The ones where they paint your dinner plate with chocolate and marmelade to hide the fact that the food not only costs the same amount as the GNP of Argentina, but that it really does taste like shit. And more than a few of us who knew Vegas in the old days do indeed know what shit tastes like.
Well, they've blown up the Stardust. The one that started it all. The one that pulled all the heavies in the Old Days that yours truly hopes are waiting for him in Heavan, otherwise, I'll check the other place out. Guys like Mr Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr, Dean Martin. Der Bingle used to party in Vegas, and it's a wonder they didn't blow the whole town up and start over after one of his legendary benders. I remember Hank Fonda jumping up on the piano without his pants on, skunked out of his mind, singing "Oh Canada" when Margaret Trudeau was performing unspeakable sex acts on the bar with Joey Bishop. And you know what? No one called the cops when Elvis Presley and Wayne Newton beat the hell out of Tommy Dorsey and his band for playing something they didn't like: That was Vegas, and that was the Stardust, just a typical Tuesday afternoon lunch crowd.
So now we say goodbye to our old friend, one more relic of great days gone by. So long, Frank, Sammy, Elvis. See ya later Mr Duke Ellington.
Say hello to Justin Timberlake and Brittney Spears; give a warm welcome to some East Coast Rapper just before he gets whacked by someone from Jay Z's "posse". Oh, and how's about that wonderful, ahem, "Blue Man Group"?
Give me another drink, Barkeep, and let me tell ya some more about those old whores Shelley Winters and JoAnn Worley, and how Ricardo Montalban had the biggest dong this side of Milton Berle.

Tuesday.

Afternoon.

Don't fuck with the King. He'll send me the Monday Morning Sportswarp when he goddamm well pleases.

I'm sure he was busy talking to one of the most talented young performers of our time, Ms. Donna Mills.