From the funny quote department... [Archive]

Uncle Mxy

02-04-2007, 06:55 PM

Billy Bob said "Cause she wanted to save the world and I wanted to watch teletubbies"
Oh man...

I still have nightmares of watching Teletubbies. After a hellaciously long flight, I was tired and badly jetlagged, trying to stay awake long enough to accustom to Euro-time. I was hanging at http://www.doorspalace.nl/, where you get a buzz just from the weed in the air. Eventually, I got too tired for public consumption, and returned to my hotel to stay up for maybe an extra hour. I turned on the TV and was hypnotized by Teletubbies in Dutch. I drooled, fell asleep in my clothes, and had the strangest dreams. When I woke up many hours later, it was -- get this -- more Teletubbies in Dutch. I was freaking until breakfast (where fortunately, a Dutch pastry was distracting me the right way).

For more (unrelated) funny quotes, here's something I hit upon recently:

http://www.rense.com/general75/court.htm

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and quiet while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________

ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS : We both do.
ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
WITNESS : We do.
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh....
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?
______________________________________

As for the last!!!
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



WTFDetroit.com > Other WTFDetroit.com Forums > Off Topic > From the funny quote department... PDA View Full Version : From the funny quote department... Tahoe 02-04-2007, 05:24 PM On why Agelina and Billy Boy Thornton split up? Billy Bob said "Cause she wanted to save the world and I wanted to watch teletubbies" Zip Goshboots 02-04-2007, 05:35 PM I think billy Bob made the right choice. Any bitch that tells me I can't watch a good TV program after sleeping off a two week drug induced coma can hit the fucking road. Uncle Mxy 02-04-2007, 06:55 PM Billy Bob said "Cause she wanted to save the world and I wanted to watch teletubbies" Oh man... I still have nightmares of watching Teletubbies. After a hellaciously long flight, I was tired and badly jetlagged, trying to stay awake long enough to accustom to Euro-time. I was hanging at http://www.doorspalace.nl/, where you get a buzz just from the weed in the air. Eventually, I got too tired for public consumption, and returned to my hotel to stay up for maybe an extra hour. I turned on the TV and was hypnotized by Teletubbies in Dutch. I drooled, fell asleep in my clothes, and had the strangest dreams. When I woke up many hours later, it was -- get this -- more Teletubbies in Dutch. I was freaking until breakfast (where fortunately, a Dutch pastry was distracting me the right way). For more (unrelated) funny quotes, here's something I hit upon recently: http://www.rense.com/general75/court.htm These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and quiet while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY : When is your birthday? WITNESS : July 18th. ATTORNEY : What year? WITNESS : Every year. ____________________________________ ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS : Yes. ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS : I forget. ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you? WITNESS : Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active? WITNESS : No, I just lie there. _____________________________________________ ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you? WITNESS : My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS : We both do. ATTORNEY : Voodoo? WITNESS : We do. ATTORNEY : You do? WITNESS : Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he? WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS : Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th? WITNESS : Yes. ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS : Uh.... _____________________________________ ATTORNEY : She had three children, right? WITNESS : Yes. ATTORNEY : How many were boys? WITNESS : None. ATTORNEY : Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS : By death. ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual? WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS : Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS : Huh? ______________________________________ As for the last!!! ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Tahoe 02-04-2007, 07:15 PM Very good UMax. LOL BubblesTheLion 02-04-2007, 09:44 PM I think billy Bob made the right choice. Any bitch that tells me I can't watch a good TV program after sleeping off a two week drug induced coma can hit the fucking road. The guy is a hero to our gender. Just living the dream.