Glenn
10-05-2006, 11:01 AM
http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/5992260
The first summer-time Rosen Awards
Charley Rosen / Special to FOXSports.com
What with so many trades, free-agent signings, coaches coming and going, as well as arrests and trials, the NBA really has no off-season. So, then, with the official arrival of autumn, here are the first annual summer-time Rosen Awards.
THE DOG ATE MY ALARM CLOCK
The recipient is Isaiah Rider for failing to show up in court for his sentencing after being found guilty of six misdemeanors. Whereas his chronic tardiness in the NBA resulted in fines, Rider's latest transgressions resulted in a pair of arrest warrants.
Because of his long rap sheet, the award has been renamed the Rider Award and has been permanently retired.
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING MUCH
And the winner is ... Chris Wilcox. For his outstanding performances in 29 meaningless, no-pressure games to close out last season in Seattle, a role which earned him a humungous contract. Caveat emptor.
THE BEST DEFENSE IS AN ILLEGAL OFFENSE
Karl Malone takes this one home, for allegedly trying to bribe an eye-witness who might otherwise have testified to his hunting without the proper license. This development was not at all surprising since, during his NBA career, Malone was always guilty of shooting first and never asking questions.
KILL A FLEA WITH AN A-BOMB
According to Ron Artest, this was the moral, as well as his self-justification, for the infamous Pandemonium in the Palace: "If you have to protect yourself, then you have to protect yourself." After all, even though Artest measures 6-foot-7, 250, his getting splashed with a half-cup of cold water could easily prove to be lethal.
THE WORST SHOT EVER TAKEN
This award goes to Lonnie Baxter for firing away in close proximity of the White House. Some of his defenders claim that he was merely working on his perimeter shooting. Others that he was actually aiming at a dark cloud and was trying to make rain.
In any event, it's fortunate that both on-court and off-court Baxter can't even shoot himself in the foot.
MERRY FIST
This award is grabbed (with one hand) by Eddie Griffin.
HELLO, I MUST BE GOING
Mike Montgomery gets the booby prize after repeatedly insisting that the transition from the NCAA to the NBA was a piece of cake. As a consequence, in his next job Montgomery must do his coaching while wearing a one-size-fits-all eyeglasses-nose-and-moustache a la Groucho Marx. Perhaps he could also be induced to sing a chorus of Lydia, the Tattooed Lady.
GOLD-DIGGER
This goes to Allen Heckard, who announced that he was suing Michael Jordan for $83M on the grounds that their physical resemblance created unbearable anguish and distress. Heckard also volunteered to forgo the litigation if MJ underwent plastic surgery. In the end, Heckard purchased new eye-glasses for himself and his friends, along with a new mirror, and dropped the suit.
The latest rumor is that Heckard is going to have his entire face pierced and then sue Dennis Rodman.
QUACK-QUACK
This award goes to the medical advisors who cleared Amare Stoudemire to make not one, but two foolishly premature attempts to return to the court. Since a full recovery from the kind of radical knee surgery to which Stoudemire was subjected usually requires two full years, a third Quack is being held in abeyance.
TIME WARP
When Artest heard the news that Rick Adelman had been replaced on the Kings' bench, he said, "Oh, good. We got Musselman." Artest was somewhat dismayed, however, when he learned that his new coach would be Eric and not Bill. "Oh," said Artest, "I didn't know it was his son." Apparently Artest never registered the fact that Bill passed away more than six years ago.
No wonder Artest is the summer's only double-winner/loser.
http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/6026118?print=true
Training camp issues for each NBA team
harley Rosen / Special to FOXSports.com
With the opening of the NBA season only four weeks away, every team in the league has issues that must be resolved during their respective training camps.
Significant problems that linger past the jump-off date usually mean slow starts and uphill play all season long.
Here, then, are the most crucial issues currently facing each ballclub:
Atlanta Hawks: With Speedy Claxton incapacitated, the Hawks' preseason is mostly an exercise in treading water. However, Josh Smith, Josh Childress, Salim Stoudamire and especially Marvin Williams must demonstrate that they've developed sufficient maturity/consistency to lift Atlanta out of the lottery.
Boston Celtics: The point-guard slot is up for grabs. Will it be Delonte West, a steady but slow-footed shooting guard masquerading as a point? Or the slick-passing, helter-skelter talents of Sebastian Telfair? At stake is nothing less than the style and the pace of the Celtics' game plan.
Charlotte Bobcats: Can the athletically-challenged Adam Morrison score enough to compensate for his defensive deficiencies?
Chicago Bulls: Ben Wallace certainly provides the interior defense and ferocious rebounding that the Bulls have lacked. But a carry-over problem remains: Who will provide post-up scoring? Michael Sweetney? Malik Allen?
Cleveland Cavaliers: How many miles are left on Eric Snow's wheels? And who's going to stand up on defense?
Dallas Mavericks: How can Avery Johnson infuse some heart into his team? Will Greg Buckner or Devean George emerge as the defensive stopper the Mavs so desperately need?
Denver Nuggets: How long will the nicey-nicey truce between Kenyon Martin and George Karl last? Is there a jump-shooter in the house?
Detroit Pistons: The sturdy defense of yore no longer has an inside eraser to obliterate mistakes. Will the Pistons be forced to play more zone than man-to-man?
Golden State Warriors: It'll be all fun and games while the players learn Nellie Ball. But can Mike Dunleavy keep his moving parts intact while playing the point-powerless-forward position?
Houston Rockets: Where and when does Bonzi Wells play? How to distribute the shots among Wells, Yao and T-Mac?
Indiana Pacers: The second time around is Al Harrington any more willing to accept second-banana status behind Jermaine O'Neal than he did before?
Los Angeles Clippers: Is Shaun Livingston ready to play serious minutes and keep Sam Cassell fresh for postseason competition?
Los Angeles Lakers: Can Shammond Williams replace Smush Parker? And can Kwame Brown build on his stellar performance in the playoffs?
Memphis Grizzlies: With Pau Gasol out, who will be the focus of the offense? Damon Stoudamire seems to be the only likely candidate.
Miami Heat: The goal is to pull back on the reins (something that Pat Riley has always been loathe to do) and prevent his aging players from burning out. Survival is the mode.
Milwaukee Bucks: The point-guard position must be resolved. Steve Blake's pass-first gameplan versus Mo Williams' shoot-first mindset.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Will Mike James and Ricky Davis be satisfied to share Kevin Garnett's leftover shots?
New Jersey Nets:Can Marcus Williams and/or Eddie House show sufficient mindfulness to limit Jason Kidd's minutes?
New Orleans/Okla. City Hornets: How to hide Peja's woeful defense? How to rebuild Tyson Chandler's fragile psyche?
New York Knicks: Eddy Curry has already proved that he can be an effective scorer, but will Zeke's ministrations turn him into a passer, rebounder and defender? If not, then the Nix are in for another season of doom and gloom.
Orlando Magic: Forget about Howard, Milicic and Nelson — Grant Hill is still the heart and soul of the team. Keeping Hill healthy and judiciously curtailing his daylight is the goal.
Philadelphia 76ers: How to convince the same players, fans and media that the same three-legged horse can finish in the money?
Phoenix Suns: If Amare Stoudemire's knee was cranky after some pre-camp scrimmages, how can he possibly hold up under the day-to-day stress of training camp? Will he be reduced to a part-time player?
Portland Trail Blazers: Can Jarrett Jack run the team? Will Jamaal "I want to start" Magloire join with Zach Randolph and Darius Miles to form an even larger kiddie-corps that will totally destroy any semblance of team harmony?
Sacramento Kings: Ron Artest went to the mat for Rick Adelman and Bonzi Wells. How long will Ron-Ron behave himself with his support-group elsewhere?
San Antonio Spurs: Can the Spurs keep winning with a three-headed center (Francisco Elson, Jackie Butler and Fabricio Oberto)? Does Robert Horry have enough juice left to man the power-forward slot and move TD to center whenever a game is on the line?
Seattle Supersonics: Who's the starting point? The safe, predictable but defenseless Luke Ridnour? Or the somewhat reckless athleticism and ace defense that Earl Watson brings to the mix?
Toronto Raptors: Can Andrea Bargnani play? Can the Raptors defend well enough to save Sam Mitchell's job?
Utah Jazz: Who can run with Deron Williams and Andrei Kirilenko? Or is the Jazz destined to be a quarter-horse team in a thoroughbred league?
Washington Wizards: Is this the season in which Brendan Haywood fulfills his potential? Will DeShawn Stevenson oust Antonio Daniels as the starting 2-guard?
The first summer-time Rosen Awards
Charley Rosen / Special to FOXSports.com
What with so many trades, free-agent signings, coaches coming and going, as well as arrests and trials, the NBA really has no off-season. So, then, with the official arrival of autumn, here are the first annual summer-time Rosen Awards.
THE DOG ATE MY ALARM CLOCK
The recipient is Isaiah Rider for failing to show up in court for his sentencing after being found guilty of six misdemeanors. Whereas his chronic tardiness in the NBA resulted in fines, Rider's latest transgressions resulted in a pair of arrest warrants.
Because of his long rap sheet, the award has been renamed the Rider Award and has been permanently retired.
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING MUCH
And the winner is ... Chris Wilcox. For his outstanding performances in 29 meaningless, no-pressure games to close out last season in Seattle, a role which earned him a humungous contract. Caveat emptor.
THE BEST DEFENSE IS AN ILLEGAL OFFENSE
Karl Malone takes this one home, for allegedly trying to bribe an eye-witness who might otherwise have testified to his hunting without the proper license. This development was not at all surprising since, during his NBA career, Malone was always guilty of shooting first and never asking questions.
KILL A FLEA WITH AN A-BOMB
According to Ron Artest, this was the moral, as well as his self-justification, for the infamous Pandemonium in the Palace: "If you have to protect yourself, then you have to protect yourself." After all, even though Artest measures 6-foot-7, 250, his getting splashed with a half-cup of cold water could easily prove to be lethal.
THE WORST SHOT EVER TAKEN
This award goes to Lonnie Baxter for firing away in close proximity of the White House. Some of his defenders claim that he was merely working on his perimeter shooting. Others that he was actually aiming at a dark cloud and was trying to make rain.
In any event, it's fortunate that both on-court and off-court Baxter can't even shoot himself in the foot.
MERRY FIST
This award is grabbed (with one hand) by Eddie Griffin.
HELLO, I MUST BE GOING
Mike Montgomery gets the booby prize after repeatedly insisting that the transition from the NCAA to the NBA was a piece of cake. As a consequence, in his next job Montgomery must do his coaching while wearing a one-size-fits-all eyeglasses-nose-and-moustache a la Groucho Marx. Perhaps he could also be induced to sing a chorus of Lydia, the Tattooed Lady.
GOLD-DIGGER
This goes to Allen Heckard, who announced that he was suing Michael Jordan for $83M on the grounds that their physical resemblance created unbearable anguish and distress. Heckard also volunteered to forgo the litigation if MJ underwent plastic surgery. In the end, Heckard purchased new eye-glasses for himself and his friends, along with a new mirror, and dropped the suit.
The latest rumor is that Heckard is going to have his entire face pierced and then sue Dennis Rodman.
QUACK-QUACK
This award goes to the medical advisors who cleared Amare Stoudemire to make not one, but two foolishly premature attempts to return to the court. Since a full recovery from the kind of radical knee surgery to which Stoudemire was subjected usually requires two full years, a third Quack is being held in abeyance.
TIME WARP
When Artest heard the news that Rick Adelman had been replaced on the Kings' bench, he said, "Oh, good. We got Musselman." Artest was somewhat dismayed, however, when he learned that his new coach would be Eric and not Bill. "Oh," said Artest, "I didn't know it was his son." Apparently Artest never registered the fact that Bill passed away more than six years ago.
No wonder Artest is the summer's only double-winner/loser.
http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/6026118?print=true
Training camp issues for each NBA team
harley Rosen / Special to FOXSports.com
With the opening of the NBA season only four weeks away, every team in the league has issues that must be resolved during their respective training camps.
Significant problems that linger past the jump-off date usually mean slow starts and uphill play all season long.
Here, then, are the most crucial issues currently facing each ballclub:
Atlanta Hawks: With Speedy Claxton incapacitated, the Hawks' preseason is mostly an exercise in treading water. However, Josh Smith, Josh Childress, Salim Stoudamire and especially Marvin Williams must demonstrate that they've developed sufficient maturity/consistency to lift Atlanta out of the lottery.
Boston Celtics: The point-guard slot is up for grabs. Will it be Delonte West, a steady but slow-footed shooting guard masquerading as a point? Or the slick-passing, helter-skelter talents of Sebastian Telfair? At stake is nothing less than the style and the pace of the Celtics' game plan.
Charlotte Bobcats: Can the athletically-challenged Adam Morrison score enough to compensate for his defensive deficiencies?
Chicago Bulls: Ben Wallace certainly provides the interior defense and ferocious rebounding that the Bulls have lacked. But a carry-over problem remains: Who will provide post-up scoring? Michael Sweetney? Malik Allen?
Cleveland Cavaliers: How many miles are left on Eric Snow's wheels? And who's going to stand up on defense?
Dallas Mavericks: How can Avery Johnson infuse some heart into his team? Will Greg Buckner or Devean George emerge as the defensive stopper the Mavs so desperately need?
Denver Nuggets: How long will the nicey-nicey truce between Kenyon Martin and George Karl last? Is there a jump-shooter in the house?
Detroit Pistons: The sturdy defense of yore no longer has an inside eraser to obliterate mistakes. Will the Pistons be forced to play more zone than man-to-man?
Golden State Warriors: It'll be all fun and games while the players learn Nellie Ball. But can Mike Dunleavy keep his moving parts intact while playing the point-powerless-forward position?
Houston Rockets: Where and when does Bonzi Wells play? How to distribute the shots among Wells, Yao and T-Mac?
Indiana Pacers: The second time around is Al Harrington any more willing to accept second-banana status behind Jermaine O'Neal than he did before?
Los Angeles Clippers: Is Shaun Livingston ready to play serious minutes and keep Sam Cassell fresh for postseason competition?
Los Angeles Lakers: Can Shammond Williams replace Smush Parker? And can Kwame Brown build on his stellar performance in the playoffs?
Memphis Grizzlies: With Pau Gasol out, who will be the focus of the offense? Damon Stoudamire seems to be the only likely candidate.
Miami Heat: The goal is to pull back on the reins (something that Pat Riley has always been loathe to do) and prevent his aging players from burning out. Survival is the mode.
Milwaukee Bucks: The point-guard position must be resolved. Steve Blake's pass-first gameplan versus Mo Williams' shoot-first mindset.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Will Mike James and Ricky Davis be satisfied to share Kevin Garnett's leftover shots?
New Jersey Nets:Can Marcus Williams and/or Eddie House show sufficient mindfulness to limit Jason Kidd's minutes?
New Orleans/Okla. City Hornets: How to hide Peja's woeful defense? How to rebuild Tyson Chandler's fragile psyche?
New York Knicks: Eddy Curry has already proved that he can be an effective scorer, but will Zeke's ministrations turn him into a passer, rebounder and defender? If not, then the Nix are in for another season of doom and gloom.
Orlando Magic: Forget about Howard, Milicic and Nelson — Grant Hill is still the heart and soul of the team. Keeping Hill healthy and judiciously curtailing his daylight is the goal.
Philadelphia 76ers: How to convince the same players, fans and media that the same three-legged horse can finish in the money?
Phoenix Suns: If Amare Stoudemire's knee was cranky after some pre-camp scrimmages, how can he possibly hold up under the day-to-day stress of training camp? Will he be reduced to a part-time player?
Portland Trail Blazers: Can Jarrett Jack run the team? Will Jamaal "I want to start" Magloire join with Zach Randolph and Darius Miles to form an even larger kiddie-corps that will totally destroy any semblance of team harmony?
Sacramento Kings: Ron Artest went to the mat for Rick Adelman and Bonzi Wells. How long will Ron-Ron behave himself with his support-group elsewhere?
San Antonio Spurs: Can the Spurs keep winning with a three-headed center (Francisco Elson, Jackie Butler and Fabricio Oberto)? Does Robert Horry have enough juice left to man the power-forward slot and move TD to center whenever a game is on the line?
Seattle Supersonics: Who's the starting point? The safe, predictable but defenseless Luke Ridnour? Or the somewhat reckless athleticism and ace defense that Earl Watson brings to the mix?
Toronto Raptors: Can Andrea Bargnani play? Can the Raptors defend well enough to save Sam Mitchell's job?
Utah Jazz: Who can run with Deron Williams and Andrei Kirilenko? Or is the Jazz destined to be a quarter-horse team in a thoroughbred league?
Washington Wizards: Is this the season in which Brendan Haywood fulfills his potential? Will DeShawn Stevenson oust Antonio Daniels as the starting 2-guard?