Humor me. [smilie=artist.gif]


I suppose I'll kick things off.

------------

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".

Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

Darko

Thread closed.

Darko

Thread closed.



Game. Set. Match. [smilie=rofl2.gif]

[smilie=applause.gi:

Why was the rooster so unhappy?
Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother.


A man walks into a clock shop and puts his cock on the table, the lovely assisstant says 'sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop'. So the man says 'i know, i want you to put 2 hands and a face on it.

I'll write:


George W Bush and Osama Bin laden are watching Star Trek. Bin Laden turns to George during an ad break and says "This is crap. They have blacks, Chinese, gays, aliens, every race and creed apart from Muslims. It's not very realistic, is it?"

George turns to Bin Laden and says, "Oh, yes it is. What you don't understand is that this is Star Trek - it's set in the future."




What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face.


Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

Because God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin



A Mufti, a Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest are taking a group of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship strikes a iceberg and begins to sink.

The Mufti cries, "Quick save the kids"
"Fuck the kids!" says the minister, as he heads towards a lifeboat.
"Do you think we have time?" asks the Catholic Priest


A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church, sits down in the confessional and says nothing.

The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to get the drunk man's attention, but still nothing. The Priest then knocks on the wall 3 times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk man replies. "No use knocking, mate. There's no paper in this one either"




Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers?"

They sold their souls to Santa

Three bums are sitting around a trash fire late at night and start talking about what's happened that day. The first one says, "I had a good day. I found a brand new pair of shoes by the side of the road, and they fit me perfectly."

The second bum says, "My day was good, too. I was hungry, but then I found a bag of McDonald's food sitting in a trash can, and it was still warm."

The third bum says, "My day was better than both of yours. I was walking down the railroad tracks when I saw a beautiful lady laying down in the grass, completely naked. We had sex all afternoon."

The other bums are saying, "Wow! That's amazing." One of them asks, "Did she give you a blowjob?"

The third bum says, "No, I couldn't find her head."

-------------------------

For his final trick, a magician asks for a volunteer from the audience. A guy comes up and the magician hands him a sledgehammer and says, "I want to hit me in the temple with this as hard as you can." The guy is hesitent, but the magician assures him that this is just a trick and so he agrees. The magician lays his head on a table, and the guy hits him in head with the hammer.

Ten years later the magician comes out of his coma and says, "Tada!"

Three bums are sitting around a trash fire late at night and start talking about what's happened that day. The first one says, "I had a good day. I found a brand new pair of shoes by the side of the road, and they fit me perfectly."

The second bum says, "My day was good, too. I was hungry, but then I found a bag of McDonald's food sitting in a trash can, and it was still warm."

The third bum says, "My day was better than both of yours. I was walking down the railroad tracks when I saw a beautiful lady laying down in the grass, completely naked. We had sex all afternoon."

The other bums are saying, "Wow! That's amazing." One of them asks, "Did she give you a blowjob?"

The third bum says, "No, I couldn't find her head."

That's fucked up! (but, hahahaha)

This one is for Matt.


An Asian woman goes to the eye doctor.

The doc says "you have a cataract".

The woman says, "No, I have a Rincoln Town Car".


~cue rim shot~

This one is for Matt.


An Asian woman goes to the eye doctor.

The doc says "you have a cataract".

The woman says, "No, I have a Rincoln Town Car".


~cue rim shot~

now, that's messed up. [smilie=angryfire.g:

my mom actually had a cadillac before her current rincoln......er, lincoln. [smilie=arrgh.jpg]

How are your mom's eyes?

She might be famous and you don't even know it.

This one is for Matt.


An Asian woman goes to the eye doctor.

The doc says "you have a cataract".

The woman says, "No, I have a Rincoln Town Car".


~cue rim shot~

[smilie=applause.gi:

lol. remember a few years back there was this ad by a Chinese drycleaning store in Cali or somthing, it goes like:

Two Wongs Make it White.

It's actually pretty catchy. But the store had to retract it.

A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

Before I post these, are incest and pedophilia jokes acceptable here?

I'd assume just about anything is.

But I'm not the SYNDICATE!

THIS IS WTF!!!!!!!!! All jokes are accepted.

Dirty jokes are gladly accepted.





***However try to stay away from racist jokes***

A girl is watching her father shower.

She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?"

He says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

A paedophile and a small child are walking through the woods. It's a foul night - lightning spearing the sky and thunder is crashing.
The child looks up at the paedo and says "I'm scared". The paedo says "What the fuck are you moaning for? I've got to walk back on my own!"


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, “Well, we’re not having any of that faggot shit in our garden.”


Q: What's black on the outside but white on the inside?
A: Len Bias

joke dump


Lady has a problem. Every time she hits it off with a guy, he bails on her before they have sex. She goes to her doctor, Dr. Wong.

"Dr. Wong, I have no idea why men abandon me when the topic of sex comes up. I need an honest assessment. I want you to tell me what's wrong with me."

Dr. Wong performs an examination. He checks her vital signs, her breath, her lady parts, et cetera. He scribbles on his clipboard. Finally he says: "Rady, you have da Ed Zachary disease."

"Ed Zachary disease?" The woman is skeptical. "I've never heard of that."

"It happen when yoah face rook Ed Zachary rike yoah ass."


Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

Bartender goes "you got a steering wheel in your pants, you know."

"Yarr," says the pirate, "it's driving me nuts."


Why are Jehovah's Witness women always so flat-chested?

(make a shoving motion with your palms out) "GET OFF MY PORCH."


Q. How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. If a light bulb is anything like a filthy sleeping bag, two.


Q. How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
A. LET'S RIDE BIKES!!!!!!

Best thread ever.

Q. Why did God create the Yeast infection?

A. So women could know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt too!



Finding more...

Q: What’s the best thing about fucking a 3 year old girl?

A: Turn her around and she’s a 3 year old boy.


Q: What'd the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Q:Why is a fetus like a condom?
A:It's safer with one, but more fun without.


Q: What's relative humidity?
A: When the sweat of your balls rolls down the crack of your sister's ass.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
http://www.innocentenglish.com/funny-pics/spacer.gif
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
http://www.innocentenglish.com/funny-pics/spacer.gif
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
http://www.innocentenglish.com/funny-pics/spacer.gif
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

what do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslectic, and an insomniac?

a guy who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog

ahahahahaha

not funny

I figured.

It wasn't any worse then some of the others, IMO.

Fair warning: this is the nastiest joke I have ever known.

Q. What do you get when you stab a 6 mo. old baby with a kitchen knife?

A. An erection

Three guys are driving out in the middle of nowhere when their truck breaks down. They are hundreds of miles away from home, and have no food, drink, or extra clothing. After a long day of work, they just need to stop and rest for the night. So, they push their truck to the closest house.

A lady of good hospitality appears and allows the trio to sleep in the loft of the barn that evening. They ask if she can wash their clothes to wear again the next day, and she agrees--however, she has no extra clothes for them to wear. So, they go up to the loft bare nekkid.

They sleep well that evening, and wake up the next day. The guy sleeping on the left side says, "I had an amazing dream where Jessica Alba and I got married and she gave me the best handjob in the world."

The guy that slept on the right side says "That's weird, man. I had a similar dream, except I got jerked off by Jessica Simpson! It was the best ever."

Then, the guy that slept in the middle chimes in. "I had a dream that I went skiing!"

Fair warning: this is the nastiest joke I have ever known.

Q. What do you get when you stab a 6 mo. old baby with a kitchen knife?

A. An erection

Genius.

And E-Ray, respect man. Respect.

muchas gracias

One for the home town team.

--

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.

So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the Detroit Lions."

"Why?" asks the judge.

"They never beat anybody."

A young man is at a grociery store at the checkout. The young lady cashier notices him put the following items on the belt:

1 bar of soap

1 tv dinner

1 small tube of tooth paste

1 frozen pizza

1 small package of sandwhich meat

1 loaf of bread


She asks the young man, "are you single?"


The young man replies, "yeah, how could you tell?"


She replies, "because you're fucking ugly."

http://www.linux-france.org/prj/jargonf/fig/ROFLMAO.jpg

A couple goes to see a sex therapist.
"What's the problem?" asks the doctor
"My husband doesn't understand my needs" says the wife
So the doctor dims the lights, lays the woman on the couch and makes passionate love to the woman. He then turns to the husband and says "This is what she needs"
The husband says "Great, I'll bring her back here next Tuesday"

A guy stops to help a woman who drove her car in a ditch.

Man: How'd you get pregnant down in that ditch.

Woman: I'm not pregnant.

Man: You're not out of that ditch yet either.

haha, good one.

What is brown and sticky?















A stick

what? dog poo?

Or maple syrup.

Punchline was in the original post.

So awesome y'all missed it.

I saw it... but didn't think it was just hilarious as you did. Hence our coming up with more things that are brown and sticky. Hmmm... Is varnish sticky?

How do you milk a toad?













With a toadstool.


p.s. Laffy Taffy rules!

Q. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A. A carrot.

What's red, white, and blue all over?

My ass, after I splash red and blue paint on it (which I do quite often while masturbating).

What is blue, but smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

Dad: Son you have to stop masturbating or you'll go blind.

Son, waving arms above head: DAD, I'M OVER HEAR!


Not sure if this one will fly in a post. Works better in person.

How do you milk a toad?

With a toadstool.


p.s. Laffy Taffy rules!

Wow.


What did the mother buffalo say to her kid as he went to his first day of school?











Bison

A zookeeper needs a new gorilla to replace the one that just died. He hears about a guy who captures gorillas in Africa, real cheap. He calls the guy up and goes to his place, wants to make sure he's on the level and does it in a humane fashion.
So, the guy brings him into his house, and they agree on a fee, and the zookeeper says "I want to see how you do it"
"OK. The only tools I have are a gun, a pari of handcuffs, and a rottweiler. I'll see a gorilla in a tree, run up there screaming like a maniac, he'll jump out, and this here dog will chomp on the gorillas balls, which will paralyze him, and I'll jump down from the tree and cuff 'im"
"Hmmmm. What's the gun for"
"That's in case I fall out of the tree. I want someone to shoot that goddamm dog"

what's the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson?

neil armstrong walked on[I] the moon, and michael jackson......screws little boys.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

[I]ok, that was a bad one. but i got jokes for days. that's all we do at my job some days is tell jokes! here are some better ones:

a very old man is finishing up his yearly physical when the doctor says:
"we've got a new testing method that can check your blood pressure, your chlolestorol (sp?) and pretty much everything else, all by examining your semen. take this jar home tonight, fill it up, and bring it back to me tomorrow."

the next day the old man returns with an empty jar. the doctor asks:
"what happened?"

the old man replies: "well doc, i just couldn't do it. first i tried with my left hand, no luck. then i tried with my right. still nothing. i even got my wife to help out. she tried with both her hands and still nothing. i even got her to hold it with both hands and use her mouth, but still nothing. we even asked my neighbor to over and help us with no luck."

"oh my god man!, replies the doctor. you asked your neighbor to help out?"

"yup," says the old man, "we tried with all our might, but we just couldn't open that damn jar."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

a very deaf and elderly mr. johnson is finishing up his physical at the doctor's office with his dear wife at his side. (i know, i know- another old man having his physical joke!)

the doctor says: "now mr. johnson, everything looks good so far. so all i need from you now is a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sample of your semen."

"what?" asks the very hard of hearing mr. johnson

the doctor repeats himself louder the 2nd time: "i need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample!"

"what's that!?" shouts mr. johnson

"i just need a URINE SAMPLE, a STOOL SAMPLE, and a SAMPLE OF YOUR SEMEN!" shouts the doctor in his loudest voice.

a still clueless mr. johnson turns to his wife and says: "what the hell did he say?"

his obviously frustrated wife replies: "he just needs to see your underwear!"


:)

a husband and wife decide to take golf lessons with a highly recommended golf pro. the husband is scheduled to have his lesson first, and then the wife later that day.

the husband steps up to the tee to show off his swing. he hits it long but hooks it 30 yards into the rough.

"ok man, you've got to relax," says the pro. "first off, you're gripping your club too tight. hold it like you would hold your wife's breasts; firm enough to have a good grip, but not too tight."

the man takes the pro's advice, steps up to the tee and hits the ball 250 yards, dead center.

"that's great advice man, thanks!" he finishes his lesson with great satisfaction.

later that afternoon his wife comes in for her lesson. she steps up to the tee, hits the ball about 180 yards but slices it way into the trees and out of play.

"OK," says the pro, "you've got the same problem as your husband. you're too tense and you're gripping the club too hard. when you hold the club, hold it like it was your husband's wood; a good firm grip, but not too tight."

the wife steps up to the tee and takes the pro's advice. she hits the ball dead center, but it only goes about 5 yards from the tee box.

"that's great," says the pro. "you've got the right idea at least. but this time take the golf club out of your mouth, and try swinging with your hands."

A guy goes to the doctor for his vasectome. During the procedure, the doctor snips off one of the guy's balls. He looks around for something to replace it with, and sticks an onion in there.
Then the doctor wakes the guy up, and says, "Well, why don't you...come back in a month and...um...tell me how things are going"
In one month the guy comes back, and the doctor ushers him into his office, and says, "Well, um...how's it going"
"Well, Doc, things are kind of weird. When I take a piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she cries, and when I see a hot dog or a hamburger, I get a boner!"

General Patraeus walks into the Oval Office with a grim look on his face. "Mr. President," he says, "I've got some bad news from Iraq today."

"Well, now, now, Tray-tray, can't be all bad. Can't be. What hap'nd?"

"President Bush, there was a terrible explosion near Basra and 8 Brazilian soldiers lost their lives."

"Whoa there," says the President. "That is bad. Not sure how bad, though. Tell me this - I know a million, and I sorta get a billion, but how much is a Brazilian again?"

Someone sent this to me today. I'm sure you've heard some of them, but they are worth a laugh or two:





How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

V9It24cN3_E

George Carlin's New Rules For 2007



New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com (http://classmates.com/)! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything
that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt.

That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Those are pretty good and I like Carlin.

Question: who did "new rules" first, Carlin or Bill Maher?

Seems like they are both running with the same schtick.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

That's funny.

Wedding Anniversary

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife
was really angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6
seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box,
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put
on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box into
the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Pretty much every bukdow post.

A young woman in Cheboygan Michigan was so depressed
that she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and
was about to leap into the frigid water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much
to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if
you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving
closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me
happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to
lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her
new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night,
he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she
was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing
here?' the captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she
explained. 'I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's
screwing me.'

'He certainly is, ' the captain said. 'This is the
Mackinaw Island Ferry.

An executive was in a bind. He had to get rid of one
member of his staff. He had narrowed it down to two
people: Mary and Jack. The decision was hard to make
as they were both equally senior, equally qualified,
and both did excellent work. He finally decided that
whoever used the water fountain first would be let go.
Mary came in the next day and was dreadfully hungover
- she had really been partying the night before. She
went over to the water fountain to get some water, so
she could take some aspirin, when the executive
approached her and said,

"Mary, I have never done this before, but I have to
lay you or Jack off."

Mary replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a
hell of a headache."

THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THE FOLLOWING:

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. 'I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?' 'Tis odd, isn't it?' the man replies. 'You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.’ The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, 'Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all.

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,’ You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.

Matching lavender outfit: $200
New pair of French sunglasses: $100
NIKE products Endorsements: $10,000,000

http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/4238/mwmh2.jpg

Having a "special place" to hold your putter . . . PRICELESS

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

Big Ten Refs

Q. What has 50 teeth, 80 feet, and an IQ of 55?

A. Front row at a Kenny Chesney concert.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

btw thats ^ only about a 2 knee slapper out of a possible 10

well here's one that's only a 1 out of 10 but apparenty rates MUCH higher if you're 6.....or drunk. my 6 year old niece told me this one:

KNOCK KNOCK

-who's there?

I EAT MOP

-i eat mop who?

EEEEW! YOU EAT YOUR POO?


LOL- like i said, it's hilarious among 6 year olds and i got a chuckle from it when she did it to me and got me to say it. didn't see it coming, i have to admit. hardly worthy of this thread but the thread is otherwise dead so deal with it.

and like i said- it's apparently hilarious if you're drunk. i told the story of what my niece did to a pretty intoxicated friend of mine and she was laughing about it for the rest of the night!!! idiot.

^^ Totally just got the female with that one. It was funny because she didn't realize what she said for a couple seconds, and she was on the phone so the person on the other end heard 'I eat mop who' haha.

What are the two sexiest animals on the farm?

BROWNCHICKENBROWNCOW

-15 MoTowns.

Guy is at work, when he checks the Internet and sees that his numbers won him $8 million in the lottery.

He rushes home to his wife, and practically busts down the door. His wife is terrified. "Honey! Pack your bags! My ticket won the lottery last night!"

"Oh my god! Oh my god!" she cries. "What climate should I pack for?!"

"I don't know," the man says. "You just need to get the fuck out."

LMAO

The fiance did not even have a hint of a smile when I told her that joke, Swami.

I guess if I tell it to a chick it's gonna have to start with "Woman is at work..."

I used to babysit for someone whose husband was a big lottery winner -- one of the first million dollar winners, or some shit like that. She promptly divorced his ass, pissed away her half of the money, and ended up as my chesty neighbor (with hyperactive spastic son).

LMAO

The fiance did not even have a hint of a smile when I told her that joke, Swami.

I guess if I tell it to a chick it's gonna have to start with "Woman is at work..."
It's funny, because my sister actually told me that joke.

Why dump your wife? Don't you need someone to cook and do laundry for you? I would think she'd be happy to do that not having to work anymore.

You could also hire a maid for that shit, fuck the maid, and fuck anyone else you want to.

If I were rich, I would only have sex with people I payed to do it with.

You could also hire a maid for that shit, fuck the maid, and fuck anyone else you want to.

I suppose. But I have a good relationship with my wife. Certainly if it was on the rocks that might push you over the edge.

I have a feeling we're overanalyzing a simple joke here.

(2 chicks at the same time)

If I were rich, I would only have sex with people I payed to do it with.

So nothing would change?

I don't have the money to pay for sex now. I have to have "relationships".

I don't have the money to pay for sex now. I have to have "relationships".

so then you are paying for it

If I were rich, I would only have sex with people I payed to do it with.
You don't pay them for the sex.

You are paying them for the privilege of their leaving after the deed is done.

Yeah I learned that from Chef on Southpark.

From seeing Brian Posehn.


So, this happened:

I was making out with my wife in bed, and I was starting to get turned on and stuff, so my hands start, you know, migrating south. And my wife sees this happening, and I swear to God, this is what she says:

Are you gonna wank it?

And I'm honest, you know, I was like, yeah, I guess. So, totally serious, this is what she says to me:

Do I have to be here for this?

And I'm like, "have to? More like get to. It's about to get awesome in here."