http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5015/evilmailbagjh9.jpg
With Evil Keith Langlois

Pistons.com editor Keith Langlois has a psychotic alter ego who answers your questions about the Pistons and NBA. To have your question considered by Nice Keith, submit it along with your name and city to klanglois@palacenet.com. Evil Keith will then stroke his pointy goatee and consider how best to mock you for your stupid question, stupid.

Be sure to include 'Pistons Mailbag' in the subject line.

Both Keiths reserve the right to edit your question for the sake of brevity or clarity.

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Thursday, December 13

Renee (Troy): What did Joe Dumars say to Rasheed after last season? I’ll bet it was something along the lines of play like you’re capable of playing and be respectful of the game or we’ll trade you.

Evil Keith Langlois: Whatever stories you hear about who said what to whom, it's a 99% chance of being bullshit. In fact, whatever stories I hear about who said what to whom, it's about a 75% chance of being bullshit. So don't write me about this crap. You don't know and neither do I. We might as well argue about the pros and cons of stem cell research. I'm not qualified to provide any answers on that shit either, and you're sure as hell not qualified to ask.

Read the entire evil Pistons Mailbag here. (http://www.wtfdetroit.com/index.php?page=evil121307)

I've read this multiple times and I can't stop laughing.

The 'handjob factory' one was my favorite. If I get loaded up on coffee first thing in the morning when I see an LLTP thread, apparently I just go off on people.

LOL!

Yea, I wrote Keith a couple of times. And his 'right to edit your question for the sake of brevity or clarity' was used to make the question sound stupid and he made it seem like even asking it was an insult. heh-heh

Bastidge!

If you haven't checked out WTFDetroit.com lately, now's a great time to do so.

As Pistons fans, we all enjoy reading the inside information that the great Keith Langlois provides in his popular "Pistons Mailbag", but do you ever wonder what Keith is really thinking when answering those stupid questions?

WTFDetroit.com has channelled Keith's psychotic alter ego, Evil Keith, in our new "Evil Pistons Mailbag".

Check it out here: http://wtfdetroit.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11055

We're also all over the U of M head coaching search, crying about the Lions, pumped about the new Tigers and talking about things that have nothing to do with sports like golden eagles attacking sheep, Ric Flair, Led Zeppelin and more.

Stop by and see us today!

Happy Holidays,

The Syndicate
WTFDetroit.com

Made my day. :)

I marked it as spam btw.

jk

LOL!

Yea, I wrote Keith a couple of times. And his 'right to edit your question for the sake of brevity or clarity' was used to make the question sound stupid and he made it seem like even asking it was an insult. heh-heh

Bastidge!
Evil Keith has no time for your silliness, mortal.

This has cheered me up greatly. I just dumped my girlfriend and needed the boost, heh.

^ Sorry to hear about that. If you need something to cry on, you can try bukdow's nutsack.

Nah, I'm really not broken up about it, just thought it was amusing.

I was gonna say... why are you sad if you dumped her? I get it now.

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5015/evilmailbagjh9.jpg
With Evil Keith Langlois

Monday, December 17, 2007

Ryan (Grand Rapids): Does the Nazr Mohammed trade make it more or less likely that Chris Webber joins the Pistons?

Evil Keith Langlois: Well, Ryan, my well-considered answer to you is as follows: "who gives a shit?" Are you really that worked up about the shifting of one mediocre center for another? Because if you are, I want to take you to Disney World and look at the magical innocence and wonder in your eyes as you meet Donald Duck up close for the very first time. One thing is for certain now: the current situation with the sudden abundance of foreigners is unacceptable. I hear one of them is even Argentinian, and if that doesn't chill your very blood I don't know what will.

Read the entire evil Pistons Mailbag here. (http://www.wtfdetroit.com/index.php?page=evil121707)

So Sheed killed a hobo with his bare hands, huh? Any specific reason for that, Evil Keith?

Evil Keith responds: "Just to watch him die."

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5015/evilmailbagjh9.jpg
With Evil Keith Langlois

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Renee (Troy): I’m wondering why Charlotte didn’t ask for more than they got in the trade that sent Nazr Mohammed to the Bobcats.

Evil Keith Langlois: Hi again, Renee. The reason Charlotte didn't ask for more in the Nazr Mohammed trade is the same reason that the Dutch East India Company was able to buy the island of Manhattan from Indians for a basket of shiny beads and dried fish worth about 24 bucks: the Indians, God bless them, had no idea what they were doing. Neither does Michael Jordan, who makes these decisions for the Charlotte Bobcats. Whenever someone has some bloated contract to unload, they're always happy to ring up Mike, because he's always down for eating someone else's costs. I hope this helps. I'm here to help you. P.S. With all these letters you're writing me, I'm a little uncomfortable, so I'm filing a restraining order against you. I hope this doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore.

Read the entire evil Pistons Mailbag here. (http://www.wtfdetroit.com/index.php?page=evil122007)

Swami is killing it.


At least this means that some team like the Chicago Bulls don't have him on their roster, because fuck those guys, seriously.

So I was reading the new evil mailbag, then in the middle of reading it I had to assist someone with an e-mail issue and without even thinking I got all snarky (Evil Langlois style), hahaha.

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5015/evilmailbagjh9.jpg
With Evil Keith Langlois

Monday, December 24, 2007

Ryan (Grand Rapids): ESPN is reporting that Chris Webber could be back by the first week of January. What trade is Joe Dumars working on now? He could send Primoz Brezec to Seattle for a trade exception and do the same with Flip Murray to Denver and Walter Herrmann to Golden State. Then Detroit would have three spots – one for Webber, one for Gary Payton and one for Ronald Dupree.

Evil Keith Langlois: Thanks for your question, Ryan. I'm gonna say this once and for all so all you worthless shitheads can take note: STOP E-MAILING ME ABOUT CHRIS WEBBER. You're like fucking Rain Man, you people. Here's why you in particular have some kind of brain damage: First of all, and I can't believe I have to address this bullshit again, ARE YOU WATCHING ANY MIAMI GAMES THIS YEAR? Why in the shit would anyone think that obtaining a gigantic, slow, old, flat-footed, heavy center is any help at all? Second, have you not noticed how Gary Payton destroys every single team he's ever been on with his shitty attitude? He's like the Hanta virus in the playoffs, dude. Third, Ronald Dupree sucks. That's why he never played. Fourth, Brezec and Herrmann are good players, and worth keeping. Brezec in particular is fucking metal with that headband of his, plus he hustles like there's free soup for every rebound.

Read the entire evil Pistons Mailbag here. (http://www.wtfdetroit.com/index.php?page=evil122407)

Never disappointing.

I lol'd multiple times.

Great work, Swam.

Evil Keith is a beast.

http://ironmaiden.webvis.net/images/Albums/The-Number-Of-The-Beast/The-Number-Of-The-Beast.jpg

Aw man, my link didn't make the transition to HTML, so I didn't get to show CindyKate any love for coining the term "Dwyane Wades."

EDIT: oops, that was Mailman. Sorry Karl. Nuff luv and respeck SAYYAH

YAH

The fix is in

Thanks brah

Beautiful, just beautiful. Gave me something to do while I wasn't working since its my last day and I plan to do nothing.

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5015/evilmailbagjh9.jpg
With Evil Keith Langlois

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Curtis (Lansing): I’ve heard rumors about Chris Webber being signed. Do you think signing him will slow the development of Jason Maxiell and Amir Johnson or will practicing and learning from him only make them better?

Evil Keith Langlois: Curtis, ever since the season began and there was no Chris Webber on the Pistons' roster, strange things have been happening to me. I find myself up at 4:30am, sweating, hoping that a glass of whiskey will put me to sleep. But it never does. The nightmares always come back. How did I find myself in this position? It's hard to say. When I hate people like you as much as I do, I don't know how I ended up answering your fan mail. But something has to give soon. I think if the new medication doesn't take hold, there will be terrible consequences for the next person who writes me about Chris Webber, and there isn't a jury in the world that will convict me.

Read the entire evil Pistons Mailbag here. (http://www.wtfdetroit.com/index.php?page=evil122707)

And again, you pull through to keep my workday going strong. I've done 2 minutes of work in 4.5 hours. I'd like to thank you all for your support. Without you, I'd have nothing to occupy my time here in the office.

So now that you don't have a job, are you going to be here at WTF all day?

Even when I did have a job, this was always the first place I'd go when I got on the computer. I'd check this, read everything new in the forums I usually visit, then check my facebook, myspace, email. WTF=#1 internet priority.

Who's going to bring home the $?!?!!?!!!1111one

Sometimes I dread having to leave the board and going to sleep, because I have to go through all the unread posts I miss.

Oh, nice job Swamizzle.

http://www97.blibs.com/editor/working/119880897878040?3163818298

Matt (Redford): In my NBA Live ’08 game, playing as the Pistons, I was offered a trade by Toronto – Chris Bosh for Tayshaun Prince. I was wondering which team would benefit more from that trade.

Evil Keith Langlois: Last night I was playing San Andreas and I carjacked a middle-aged woman and ran over her. I wonder what real-world implications that shit might have? Matt, I was going to tell you that you should get out of the house more. Unfortunately, your house is in Redford, which is a total shithole. So I can see why you're sitting indoors, playing dorky, childish video games as a substitute for real social interaction and civilized experience.

gahaha

Evil Keith should've went off on him for playing Live and not 2K.

Yeah... as if Evil Keith doesn't play video games. Yearight.

Evil Keith has the all-time worldwide high scores on Donkey Kong AND Crazy Climber. He sees no need to pursue that avenue any further.

BTW, thanks guys for your great responses. I'm having fun with EKL.

Langlois: it's French, bitch.


(right?)

French: l'anglois: "the Englishman."

His ancestors were probably English-speaking French people.

That is so hilarious.

That's like Dantonio meaning "The Wolverine".

An arrogant Chris McCoskey column would be great.

An arrogant Chris McCoskey column would be great.

See "McCosky, Chris - any column"

Actually "Dismissive Chris" has a pretty nice ring to it...

Yes. That would be pretty funny.

Someone else is going to have to take that one up. I don't know McCocky as well as I know Keith.

I don't think the format would work nearly as well.

We don't need to milk the magic formula, I don't see how it could top the Evil Keith stuff anyways.

Leave it to another fansite to use for their "original" idea.

That is so hilarious.

That's like Dantonio meaning "The Wolverine".

Hilarious.
I think Dantonio actually means "Michigan is in my head. I will never beat them"

This stuff is absolute gold... it now rivals Bill Simmons as my favourite column :P

(yeah I said it... so what if he has no idea and hates detroit, BS is funny...)

WHERE'S THE NEW ONE?!

? I submitted it to Glenn. Be patient!

Glenn went AWOL.

I was blaming Glenn, Swami, no worries. When I'm missing out on solid humor I tend to get impatient.

People are demanding Evil Keith and Glenn is MIA. I say we remove that "ballboy" from the Syndicate and insert EK.

It seems that Evil Keith is becoming bigger than WTF itself.

Evil Keith needs his own login, of course Swami will be the one logging in as him, but then he can post them under the login of Evil Keith.

patience, hosers

it takes a decent chunk of time to post to the front page, something I won't have until later

Sorry guys, I have a busy morning.

Enjoy this for now and I'll get the proper posting done later today.

Hope that is okay with you, Swam.

Maybe we need some hot interns or something to handle these things?


Thursday, January 3, 2008

Matthew: I’ve read some sites that say the Pistons get Minnesota’s second-round pick this year and others that say they can defer it until next year. Could you clear this up?

Evil Keith Langlois: God dammit Matthew, I've already explained this. But you didn't listen, did you? Thought you were too smart to listen to good old Keith? You think you're better than me, Matthew? I'll clear something up for you: your penis is exactly as small as you think it is. Oh, and it's definitely this year's pick. Thanks for writing, lets move on to the next sports fan with a severe head injury!


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Harsh (Rochester): How will Flip Saunders and Joe Dumars ensure a stronger mind-set for the playoffs this year than the Pistons have had in the past few seasons?

Evil Keith Langlois: How's this for Harsh...Joe Dumars can ensure a stronger mind-set for the playoffs by firing Flip Saunders and replacing him with a championship-level coach. Flip Saunders can ensure a stronger playoff mind-set by graciously accepting his pink slip and going away quietly, and maybe dropping off the recyclables on the way out to his car.


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Tim: I’ve noticed that the Bulls could be shopping Ben Wallace. Is it reasonable to consider taking him back at a discount price?

Evil Keith Langlois: Tim, here are three things wrong with this idea: first, there will be no taking Ben Wallace back, because he had to be a big bitch and run after the ultra-mega-huge dollars when he was already making mega-huge dollars; second, there will be no discounted price, because Ben Wallace has a ring and I guess that makes him feel like a big shot; third, it's just a stupid idea all around, and I'm guessing this is because your mom was a Cro-Magnon or something.


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Christian (Grosse Pointe): I read on Yahoo! that Ben Wallace may soon be traded from the Bulls. Is there any chance the Pistons could get him? Maybe sending Flip Murray, Antonio McDyess and a second-round pick that we got in the Delfino deal would work for both Chicago and us. I know Ben wouldn't mind, but would Joe welcome him back?

Evil Keith Langlois: Christian, you are dumber than Tim, and he's half Cro-Mag! Not only are you willing to consider spending an already too large amount of money for a lackluster player with rusty skills and invisible offense, you'd trade away one perfectly good player to do it! A society that allows you to breed is a society where justice has no meaning.


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T.J. (Sparta): With the young talent in Jason Maxiell, Rodney Stuckey, Arron Afflalo, Amir Johnson and Cheikh Samb coupled with the scouting and drafting ability of Joe dumars, it would seem the Pistons are set for the future. Provided these guys stay with the team and satisfy expectations, will the Pistons still be an elite team after the current starters pass the torch?

Evil Keith Langlois: T.J., what the fuck kind of team ever just goes "OK, these 5 young guys are it, and let's just guarantee them a future no matter what happens"? That's the kind of question you ask when your dad is the manager at Wendy's, and you and your 4 brothers all flunked out of school. In the real world, where people have to compete, you're never completely sure that any group of guys is the right group. You're always worrying, wondering...am I good enough? Am I slipping? Am I too good, and maybe the other sports writers are gonna come and kill me in my sleep out of jealousy? Pressure?! What do you know about pressure!


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Ali (East Lansing): The Pistons have been playing well in the regular season again, but they’ve failed in the playoffs the last two seasons. Do you think when they had four players sent to the All-Star game, they kind of relaxed and felt it was good enough?

Evil Keith Langlois: My guess is that when the Pistons had four players sent to the All-Star game, they were invited to lots of nice parties and they had a great time. And then you know what happened? They got on a plane and flew back to Metro Airport. No matter how relaxed you think you are, that shit will sober you up right quick. People get their heads cut off here, you know.


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Nick (Oxford, England): When LeBron scored 40-plus in the conference finals against our best defender, Tayshaun Prince – do you think if Prince bulked up he would not be so overwhelmed when they meet?

Evil Keith Langlois: Oh jolly good indeed, Nicko old chap! I'm assuming that since you're English (or maybe gay...it's hard for me to tell the difference), you're familiar with a sport called "Rugby." In this sport, guys sometimes tuck a ball underneath their arms, without dribbling it on the ground, and just run through a group of guys, trying to score a goal. The rugby officials don't consider this against the rules, because it isn't. On the other hand, this kind of behavior is not allowed in NBA basketball, but the officials allow Lebron James to do exactly that, maybe because they all want to sleep with him or something. What the fuck do you think anyone can do about that, let alone Tayshaun Prince, who looks like someone glued him together out of toothpicks?


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Tobias (Voehringen, Germany): Can you tell me why the Pistons, the second-best team in the league, don’t draw as many headlines as the other top teams? Boston, Orlando, San Antonio and Dallas all get more attention. What’s up?

Evil Keith Langlois: Vell Tobias from Deutschland, ve haf dis habit in de US of being fery much in luff vit our shtars. De reazn for dis is dat most of our shports fanatics are zecretly...how do you say...homosexual? Listen, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Be at peace with yourselves, people! But it remains a fact that gay people love them some celebrities, or else there wouldn't be a VH1. They love people like Britney Spears, Liza Minelli, and Tony Parker. That repressed, manly, muscle-y, sweaty impulse is always going to help drive the celebrity culture of the NBA. And who gets to be a celebrity? Well, I can tell you this: pretty boy looks sure do mean a lot. And the Detroit Pistons, god love them, are a damn ugly team.


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Mac (San Diego): Longtime Pistons fan who just discovered Mailbag. I was kicking something around with friends the other night. Dwyane Wade is a free agent after 2009. Could you see him taking less money to play for Detroit?

Evil Keith Langlois: No.


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Steve (Toledo): Minutes are not always equal. True, the starters are playing fewer minutes but the minutes they are playing take much more energy. My question is, will the starters be any more rested this year than last given they are playing harder in the minutes they actually are on the court?

Evil Keith Langlois: Steve from Toledo is going to lecture us on the irregular nature of the time-space continuum right about now. Apparently, Steve's thesis is that some minutes contain more energy than other minutes. I'm sure he would not mind subjecting his thesis to peer review and if it stands up, we should give Steve one of those prized jobs at the Black Mesa Research Facility opening up dimensional gateways and shit.


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Allie (Las Vegas): My friend who lives in Michigan heard on the radio that the reason Amir hasn’t played is because he’s dogging it in practice. Is there any truth to that?

Evil Keith Langlois: That's bullshit, Allie. You want to know how I know it's bullshit? Because there aren't any radio stations in Michigan where people talk about any sports team except the goddamned Lions. Are you people just making shit up now, just for the sole purpose of harassing me? Tell your friend in Michigan that Pistons.com Website Editor Keith Langlois is going to hunt him down and kill him like the lying dog he is. I got enough to deal with right now without all you people trying to destroy me.


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Ziga (Slovenia): Who do you think is the most versatile player in the NBA? I would put Tayshaun Prince right behind Andrei Kirilenko and Kevin Garnett.

Evil Keith Langlois: Why do you even bother to ask me shit when you already have an answer for me? "Ziga", the minute I tolerate a European's opinion about basketball, or anything else, is the minute I know it's time to cut back on the model airplane glue.


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Clifford (Detroit): The Pistons arguably have the best starting five in the NBA. Do you see all five starters making it to the NBA Hall of Fame?

Evil Keith Langlois: No, Clifford. Let me break this down: Antonio McDyess is ugly. Rasheed Wallace is a psychotic hobo. Tayshaun Prince is a freak of nature. Rip Hamilton is easily the most infuriating shooting guard ever in the NBA, and Chauncey Billups has a face and voice that puts everyone to sleep. No matter how good these guys play, they're probably never going to make it to the Hall of Fame. And you should be OK with that. Make a list of the guys playing today who definitely will make it into the Hall of Fame, like Kobe Bryant, and we would all have to admit that all of these guys are just the world's biggest assholes. Who wants to be in a hall full of assholes for eternity? Not me. I get my fill with letters from you fuckwits.


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Lee (Oklahoma): What do you think about going back to the old system of drafting players by means of a territorial draft? If they had a territorial draft every fourth year, it would not only change pro basketball but affect colleges, as well, since players might stick around longer to get drafted by the NBA team of their choice.

Evil Keith Langlois: There's a reason the "old" system is the "old" system, Lee: because it sucked. Every 4 years, the Pistons and the Cavs would clean the fuck up, because that's where all the decent colleges are. What the fuck is New Jersey going to do? What the fuck do you do in LA, where there are two teams? What about all the eligible international players? God damn, this is the dumbest fucking idea. Fuck off, Lee.


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Kenstop (Dudley, England): I noticed that Rasheed Wallace has been taking lots of 3-point attempts this season. Don’t you think he should focus on post-ups more?

Evil Keith Langlois: You know what? As attractive as it may seem to make fun of you for your name and nationality, I'm going to bypass that for a second. If I had a quarter for every shit-brained fuckass who wrote me with this question, I would fill a sock with those quarters, fly to Dudley, England, and beat "Kenstop" to death with it penitentiary style.


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Josh (Livonia): Aside from Jason Maxiell, who would you say will emerge as their most important role players by the time March rolls around?

Evil Keith Langlois: You know who I think it will be? Primoz Brezec. He's so dreamy. Josh, you gotta be blind or retarded not to notice that Stuckey's been getting a lot of play.


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Joe (Traverse City): Where are Alex Acker and Sammy Mejia? Do the Pistons still own their rights?

Evil Keith Langlois: Mejia's in the D-league, Joe, and Alex Acker is playing for the Butt-Fuck Egypt Globetrotters.


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Spencer: How good is Walter Herrmann and what could he do for the Pistons?

Evil Keith Langlois: Good enough to get traded away from Charlotte. Jesus Christ, what a pit of hell that place is. For basketball and everything else, too. As far as what he can do for the Pistons, he can fly and turn lights on and off with his mind. Or were you not talking about super powers? Because I figure he can always score a few points by putting the ball through the hoop, if he sees fit.

Sorry guys, I have a busy morning.

Enjoy this for now and I'll get the proper posting done later today.

Hope that is okay with you, Swam.

Maybe we need some hot interns or something to handle these things?

Would it help if I formatted it in HTML or something? I don't want to create more work for you.

You guys have to give Glen some slack here. He has lost over 2300 Constitutionals that I've sent him, and I don;t even complain.

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5015/evilmailbagjh9.jpg
With Evil Keith Langlois

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Matthew: I’ve read some sites that say the Pistons get Minnesota’s second-round pick this year and others that say they can defer it until next year. Could you clear this up?

Evil Keith Langlois: God dammit Matthew, I've already explained this. But you didn't listen, did you? Thought you were too smart to listen to good old Keith? You think you're better than me, Matthew? I'll clear something up for you: your penis is exactly as small as you think it is. Oh, and it's definitely this year's pick. Thanks for writing, lets move on to the next sports fan with a severe head injury!

Read the entire evil Pistons Mailbag here. (http://www.wtfdetroit.com/index.php?page=evil1308)

Splendid. Absolutely splendid. I'd contribute a ton of quarters to evil keith if that was true.

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5015/evilmailbagjh9.jpg
With Evil Keith Langlois

Monday, January 7, 2008

Harsh (Rochester): I’m worried about letting the Celtics win in Detroit. Do you think the Pistons are a little concerned now? And why did the NBA make the Pistons play Dallas and San Antonio back to back?

Evil Keith Langlois: How's this for Harsh: "you are a gigantic pussy." (Ah, it never gets old.) The NBA plays a lot of games every season. Yes, the Celtics are the figurative 500-lb gorilla that everyone has to deal with...a gorilla who just happens to be green, drunk, short-dicked, foul-tempered, and stinking like a dumpster. If you didn't think the season-long series against Boston was going to be tough, you are more fucked up than a football bat. Fortunately for you, I think your problem is not your dumbness, but your penchant for weeping like an open sore when things get rough. More fortunately for everyone else, the Pistons are made of terrifying, half-dead man-machines who eat human flesh and don't get all itchy just because they lost one game, like Harshy McPeepants here does.

Read the entire evil Pistons Mailbag here. (http://www.wtfdetroit.com/index.php?page=evil1708)

Or maybe open up your fucking eyes while the game is on, and you'll know that Maxiell only went 1 for 2 in his first set of Dwyane Wades.
Umm, Evil Keith? I don't want to tick you off or anything, but Max went 0 for 2. Your reader thought he went 1 for 2. Are they rubbing off on you?

Wow, Pat actually got a somewhat nice response. Evil Keith has a weakness for people with brains apparently.

Umm, Evil Keith? I don't want to tick you off or anything, but Max went 0 for 2. Your reader thought he went 1 for 2. Are they rubbing off on you?
You take that back, you son of a bitch.

LOL just kidding. Can't nail them all, I guess.

Evil Keith Langlois: Jesus Christ Ron, what are you doing? Are you trying to "gotcha" me? Yeah, I want a new Porshe, a better job, and I'd like to teabag one of those Pussycat Dolls too. Just because I wish for something doesn't mean it's actually going to happen.

I'd like to bang the singer too.

I take it back, entirely out of respect for Swami/EK.

I thought about doing a similar parody of Kenny Smith's columns, but then I realized that I wouldn't have any idea how to change them to make them better.

Write articles about non-sports topics in the style of Kenny. I'd love to read an article by Kenny Smith about how to assemble a bicycle.

Oh god, that would be hilarious.

I think Evil Keith should answer all of the questions asked in the Mavericks thread.

Oh god, that would be hilarious.
I think so too. It is like an inside out version of Evil Keith. Instead of starting with the same basic format and reinventing the person, it takes (a slightly exaggerated version of) the real person and uses it over a different format.

I think Evil Keith should answer all of the questions asked in the Mavericks thread.

I think Evil Keith should carry a pager that goes off whenever a new question is posted.

Evil Keith goes off whenever a new question is posted.

Well done, Swami.

shameless bump...

I miss these things. Approaching the 1 year anny.

I could maybe do a few more, but it takes so much time and anger. Maybe I can do a "best of" every now and then.

It would be much appreciated.

MONDAY, May 4, 2009
Editor’s note: This season has been a rough one. Evil Keith Langlois has been diagnosed with chronic Kool-aid intoxication, so he is answering your letters from his medical leave at the Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Dialysis Centre. If he does not get to your letter right away, please be patient.

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Barry (Lansing, Mich.): Could the Pistons pull off a sign-and-trade with Wallace, Hamilton and Amir going to either Phoenix for Stoudemire or Toronto for Bosh? Then sign Ben Gordon and Boozer? Even if we only get Bosh or Stoudemire for one year, wouldn’t that only free up money the following year if they do not re-sign?

Evil Keith: You better fucking hope so, Larry. There’s shit for free agents right now and this team needs talent like Kwame Brown needs a Rahmani Hand Institute. The good news is that Bill Davidson, God rest his soul, was a lot like your great grandpa who ate nothing but reconstituted potatoes for 30 years, and then when he passed on, you found $70 million stuffed in an old mattress. The bad news is that reconstituted potatoes taste like Allen Iverson’s discarded jock.
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Steven (West Bloomfield, Mich.): It bothers me when people say they don’t want to see our core players go. I love the guys as much as anyone, but I’m trying to remain non-nostalgic, as I hope Joe will. Tayshaun is my favorite NBA player, but if he’s playing somewhere else next year I’ll just have another team to follow. Also, if Curry continues to struggle, I hope Joe won’t hesitate to make a move. Yes, he had a rough season, but once Iverson was out of the picture it was hard to justify how we closed the season.

Evil Keith: You raise two points and I can answer them the same way: “wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which fills up first.” You got a lot to look at right now. I may be a little lightheaded at the moment, so I’m not in the mood for a circle jerk – I gotta be honest and admit that Joe be fucking up lately. And he doesn’t like to admit that he fucked up. But then none of this is as critical as your casual mention that your favorite player is Tayshaun Prince. Esteban. Dude. That’s like saying Foo Fighters are your favorite band.
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Pawel (Las Vegas, N.M.): Just look at what Marcin Gortat did when Dwight Howard was suspended. Detroit should not even hesitate and offer this guy a contract.

Evil Keith: Jesus Christ, another foreigner wanting to talk to me about foreigners. I’ll tell you what, Guy With Foreign Name: you wrangle up a printing press and come up with your own currency that is more valuable than the Euro, and see if the Budapest Hypotheticals can interest Other Guy With Foreign Name in a handful of it. I don’t think Joe’s gonna try and stop you. 7-footers in Detroit seem to be going down like drummers in Spinal Tap these days.
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Jon (Detroit): Are the Pistons getting rid of The Palace Prince? Are they going to re-sign Rasheed?

Evil Keith: What the fuck do you want to do Jon? Keep a mediocre, overpaid player around because he’s got a nickname you think is neat (but which is actually very very gay, FYI)? You want to keep a C with a bad attitude, who refuses to rebound or post, flush with cash out of your pocket? Hey man, I know the economy is rocking like a hurricane right now so Feel Fucking Free.
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Rey (Laguna Hills, Calif.): What team is AI going to be with next season?

Evil Keith: Who gives a shit, Rey? AI is not exciting. He doesn’t make his teams exciting. His game has fallen quite a bit off from being exciting. Even his bullshit drama isn’t exciting, and this from someone who DVRs The Biggest Loser.
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Simon (Miami): With all the criticism coming from the media and fans, I hope Joe D knows how appreciated he is by some Pistons fans. I’ve ridden the rollercoaster with the Pistons through the late ’80s, the teal days and up until today and look forward to the future with whatever Joe D can engineer. If there’s a free agent out there that symbolizes the Pistons’ philosophy to a T, it’s David Lee.

Evil Keith: Thanks for the obligatory Joe Dumars tongue bath, Simon. What are you, David Lee’s agent? Or are you just one of these knobs who keeps writing me and asking me why there aren’t more white basketball players? Get the fuck out of here.
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Jimmy (Denver): Do you think getting Chris Bosh but losing Prince and Jason Maxiell would be good?

Evil Keith: Seriously, Jimbo? Losing Prince and Maxiell is good even if you get a bag of Bates burgers in return. Maxiell is overpaid and smells like cheese. Prince could be folded into a suitcase and flown by kite to Toronto for all I care.
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David (Lansing, Mich.): The No. 1 player to go after, no doubt, is Ben Gordon. I do not care how we do it – Ben Gordon can score and play with anyone in the NBA. Boozer would be a nice addition as well.

Evil Keith: David, I just want someone who can land a fucking easy bucket. If Gordon can do it, which it looks like he can, fine. Boozer can come along too but his eyebrows are not allowed on the RB1. He’ll have to check them with the luggage. But do you really think Ben Gordon is “the No. 1 player to go after”? That’s like saying Foo Fighters are… what? I used that one already?
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David (Flushing, Mich.): If the Pistons were to trade for Bosh this off-season, would they be able to sign him to a contract extension in order to keep him past the 2009-10 season?

Evil Keith: Whoa, 2nd David. Dial that shit back. People, 2nd David here is the kind of guy who asks a girl out like this: “Gee you’re swell, Jenny. I sure would like to take you out for a soda on Friday. All of this is contingent upon at least a handjob later, of course.”
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Nate (Neptune City, N.J.): It would be easier to go after Paul Millsap if Carlos Boozer stays in Utah. So who would you rather see in Pistons blue? Boozer or Millsap?

Evil Keith: Here’s what I think, Nate: all things considered, if one of those guys is older than the other he’ll probably end up in Detroit, where he’ll suddenly stop caring about anything and just hang out behind the arc while complaining about his aches and pains. And I will have to write to you cunts about how this is actually a great move for the Pistons. I really hate that you can’t drink while you’re on dialysis.
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Eric (Greensboro, N.C.): This season for Michael Curry was similar to what Doc Rivers went through with the Celtics a few years back. Rivers was on the hot seat, then they got two key players and became world champions. What do you think?

Evil Keith: Oh yeah. Michael Curry is exactly like Doc Rivers. The only difference is that fuck you Eric.
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Emmanuel (Montgomery, Ala.): What is Allen Iverson’s future with the Pistons? I don’t want him messing up the No. 1 jersey once worn by Mr. Big Shot.

Evil Keith: Are you dense, Manny? Allen’s done here. He’s packing up his Doctor Iverson’s Magical Midget Tincture And Dropsy Tonic and riding his donkey down the dusty trail to the next unsuspecting customer.
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Dave (Kingston, Mich.): Is there anyone in the top five of the draft Joe D covets? Would he be willing to offer Rip, Tayshaun or Maxiell to move up the draft board?

Evil Keith: A big man or someone who can actually land a contested shot, or, if some miracle occurs, both. It’s not rocket science, Dave.
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Fran (Southfield, Mich.): In his recent press conference, Joe Dumars confirmed what I and other fans had suspected – Rodney Stuckey is not a point guard but a combo guard. In light of his confirmation, is Rip or Arron going to be expendable and will a point guard be on the “to do” list?

Evil Keith: I have no idea where you’re getting that, Fran. Joe didn’t say that shit, or anything close to it. Nothing to see here. Move along. And by that I mean, “He should have, but he didn’t.”
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Ardy (Zeeland, Mich.): I’m very intrigued with Marvin Williams of Atlanta. I know he is out right now, but he’s only 22, a good defender and is very efficient offensively. Is it possible Atlanta will not want to give him something long-term because of some of their other contracts and would be willing to do a sign-and-trade for him with Prince and Amir?

Evil Keith: Come on, Ardy. Even if the Pistons could land Marvin Williams somehow, Atlanta ain’t buying our broken-ass used junk. They’re not that stupid. (They’re still pretty stupid though.)
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Armando (Alpena, Mich.): Would Joe D be willing to part with Stuckey if it meant getting a high-impact player like Chris Bosh or Amare Stoudemire?

Evil Keith: Meh, probably not, Armando. Joe Dumars really likes Rodney Stuckey. He’s young, he’s quick, he’s oversized, and he’s got a lot of promise. Oh, and he’s practically free. Did I mention how incredibly Rodney Stuckey is getting ripped off right now? Starting point guard on an NBA team, being paid like a Sandwich Artist? Joe likey.

unholyfuck

Solid Gold.

That was awesome!

Hiroshi (Okinawa, Japan): Do you think we’ll use the 15th pick on a third point guard? I hope Joe will draft James Johnson, who is very versatile. If not, B.J. Mullens.

Evil Keith: You need to get over this “who’s the next Will Bynum” bullshit, Hiroshi. At 15, maybe you get fuck all. I’d also like to remind you that guards are the least of the Pistons’ problems. Have you taken a look at the possible bigs for next season? It’s gonna be Battlefield Earth meets Ishtar out there. If McDyess sticks around, maybe you get a John Malkovich movie in there somewhere. But you know Joe is going to find some way to draft a shooting guard anyway, and I’m gonna have to try to get you guys pumped about it. Kill me with a rake.
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Bryan (Ecorse, Mich.): Does the rebuilding job Joe has on his hands mean a few years of losing before a direction is found?

Evil Keith: Tch tch tch Bryan. We don’t use the R-word around here. Joe is like Big Brother dude, he’s mastered Newspeak. If he were in charge of managing the Hudsons building downtown, he would have stared straight into the camera while the dynamite was going off, and told you straight to your face that it was “a calculated risk to improve retail sales.” Up is down. Freedom is slavery.
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Kevin (Huntsville, Ala.): I know Stuckey’s going to keep getting smarter at the point in terms of setting up teammates and knowing when to push the ball, but I think he needs to spend a good portion of the summer developing a solid 3-point shot.

Evil Keith: God dammit, Kevin. Of all the things that Stuckey needs to work on in his automobile, the 3-point shot is the fancy rims. You get him working on his long bomb and the next thing you know, he’s getting arrested with weed, making game guarantees, and going on TV asking his ex-girlfriend to bring his kids back. Hey everyone, guess what? Kevin in Alabama hasn’t had enough of that shit yet!
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Kevin (Austin, Texas): Is Ben Gordon really 6-foot-3 or more like 5-foot-10?

Evil Keith: Man, what the fuck are you asking me this shit for? This is gay. This is some TMZ shit. “What’s Julia Roberts really like in person?” I have no fucking idea. You got a TV just like the rest of us. If you’re that curious, you can do the math, Aristarchus. On a side note, what’s with the hillbillies named Kevin today?
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Derek (Southfield, Mich.): A lot of people seem pretty down on Kwame, but he seems very reliable on D and fair on offense. Do you think his salary is reasonable for what he offers? I don’t think he’ll make or break the team, but it certainly doesn’t seem like we’d be better off without him.

Evil Keith: Kwame is basically a toddler. At this point, anything coming out of Kwame that isn’t a turnover or a turd is like a Christmas present. If he doesn’t find some way to spill juice on the court accidentally somehow, we just want to give him a big hug. Our expectations are so low – partially courtesy of yours truly – that everyone has forgotten the big boy contract he’s lugging around. None of this is important, though. I need to know about your name. Why is Derek a name that’s only given to British guys and black guys?
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Rick (Lansing, Mich.): One good thing that might come from the Billups trade, aside from the cap space, is that teams might not place higher value on the other Pistons’ core guys like Rip and Tayhsaun. Where they might have once viewed them as “system” guys, the success of Billups in Denver might make teams think acquiring Rip or Tay can bring that same winning attitude to their franchise.

Evil Keith: That’s easily the dumbest shit I’ve heard in maybe weeks. Great fucking theory Professor Darwin, except for the fact that Chauncey Billups is fucking the cheerleaders and Rip and Tayshaun got beat up by the fat girls in the Flag Corps. I'm pretty sure that the entire school knows that Chauncey was the cool one at this point.
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Darren (Chicago): It looks like Sheed has been scapegoated by fans and media. I think this is wrong. We asked an older big man to carry the load when we went to small ball. He also had injuries, which limited his effectiveness. Do you think he will be back? Some in the Cleveland media are reporting he asked for a buyout so he could join the Cavs. I doubt the validity of this.

Evil Keith: Darren, of course I have to sit here and tell you no, that never happened, don’t believe what you hear, but that shit is probably true. And it’s dumb as fuck, too. Cleveland has gotta be like “You want out of Detroit because your team sucks, but your team sucks partially because of you being old and shitty now.” Anyway, quit sticking up for Rasheed Wallace. The new thing is hating Rasheed Wallace. Get on board.
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Roy (North Star, Mich.): I read in True Blue Pistons where you alluded to Tayshaun Prince possibly being traded, possibly because of his lack of 3-point shooting. Of any of the core group, he would be the last I would trade.

Evil Keith: Roy Roy Roy! Tayshaun Prince has more than a lack of 3-point shooting. He’s got a lack of any kind of shooting. He probably couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with an elephant gun. Listen – the guy who gets stabbed all the time is not the guy you want carrying around a sniper rifle. His problem isn’t “not hitting the three,” his problem is “getting pwned by n00bs.”
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Malik (Richmond, Va.): When I saw Eric Maynor play in the tournament, I knew he would be perfect for the Pistons. Do you think we should draft him?

Evil Keith: Malik, guys like you disgust me. You’re the kind of sloppy bitch who tells his buddy he should be a rock star, based on a hazy drunken recollection of acoustic guitar Guns & Roses sing-alongs around the campfire. Just because a guy is a good college player doesn’t mean shit. Just because a guy is a good college player doesn’t mean shit. I said it twice because this is important and I really care about you. Try and absorb it.
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Andrew (Albany, N.Y.): Do you think Walter Sharpe could be developed over the summer into a solid backup small forward? I’m not sure what his natural position is, but it seems to me he has the skills and athleticism for small forward.

Evil Keith: What was that Andrew? Your question was so boring that I fell asleep briefly. Oh man, cheap Walter Sharpe narcolepsy jokes are the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you God.

Fantastic shit, Swami. Absolutely fantastic.

Rick (Lansing, Mich.): One good thing that might come from the Billups trade, aside from the cap space, is that teams might not place higher value on the other Pistons’ core guys like Rip and Tayhsaun. Where they might have once viewed them as “system” guys, the success of Billups in Denver might make teams think acquiring Rip or Tay can bring that same winning attitude to their franchise.

Evil Keith: That’s easily the dumbest shit I’ve heard in maybe weeks. Great fucking theory Professor Darwin, except for the fact that Chauncey Billups is fucking the cheerleaders and Rip and Tayshaun got beat up by the fat girls in the Flag Corps. I'm pretty sure that the entire school knows that Chauncey was the cool one at this point.


That's fucking funny.

I did actually lol

Give Swami the front fucking page already

Give Swami the front fucking page already
I know, right? It's such a total injustice. Meh, I think I've done better.

Ahem.

http://www.detroitbadboys.com/2016/3/23/11288632/drunken-mailbag-aron-baynes-hands-pistons-as-alcoholic-drinks

Lol @ Mikey G

Missed that. Didn't actually "read" it*, just saw that they copied Swami's schtick. Well, not really but still.


* aka "a Tahoe"

Miss this